Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.
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Thursday 5 May 2011

"Brilliantly executed."

FOR a Middle East peace envoy, Tony Blair really is an idiot.

As the Americans' version of the raid on Osama Bin Laden slowly unravels, making the leader of the free world look like a thug and his spin doctors a bunch of clumsy-fingered apes, our former PM has weighed in to the growing scandal about what, exactly, happened in Abbottabad.

Bear in mind that first we were told a helicopter was shot down, there was a raging firefight, Bin Laden used his wife as a human shield while spraying Navy SEALS with bullets from an AK-47 and there was a live video feed relayed straight to the White House situation room.

Just three days later we find the helicopter had a technical fault, no guns or explosives were found, Bin Laden was unarmed and special forces switched off the cameras on their helmets for 25 minutes after they entered the house.

And Tony Blair comes out and says, I presume entirely without forethought, the raid was "brilliantly executed".

Face, meet palm.

He added: "The Americans have given their account and I am sure that is accurate."

I hate using acronyms but frankly there is only one suitable response to this statement: ROFL*.

The truth is the Americans have handled this so badly they're actually starting to make Bin Laden look good.

The truth is the President of the United States of America is supposed to uphold democracy, freedom and the rule of law, not send pumped-up goons to shoot people dead without trial.

The truth is it doesn't take 25 minutes to get inside a house at 1am in which no-one has any guns, there are no booby traps or explosives, and shoot a man with kidney disease surrounded by women and children.

The truth is that the only things we know they found in the compound after Bin Laden was shot were, and I quote, "two buffaloes, a cow, and 150 chickens".

The raid has already been rebranded as "an act of national self-defence" by the White House, whose statements are starting to make Colonel Gaddafi sound sane. It added that "resistance does not require a firearm", a line I am sure police forces around the world are making a careful note of.

My grandad used to say the worst thing about the Second World War wasn't the Nazis in front of you, it was the Yanks behind. They've made an absolute hash of not just the raid but the PR upon which their national reputation depends.

Those pictures of a dead Bin Laden will leak - it's inevitable. Probably showing a bullethole in the back of the head, and accompanied by a grinning SEAL doing a thumbs-up and miming a sex act with the corpse, thereby proving those 25 lost minutes were spent re-enacting Abu Ghraib. An enterprising reporter will get a chat with the wife, who saw the whole thing and is sitting in Rawalpindi hospital guarded only by the highly-corruptible Pakistani security services. Conspiracy theories will bloom like algae on a stagnant pond and we'll find out the situation room was actually glued to The Only Way Is Essex all along.

But we will never, ever find out what exactly it is about chickens that is so threatening.

* Roll on the floor laughing, for the benefit of my mum.