Cheryl Tweedy Cole Ferenandez-Versini thingummybob...

... and why not talking about your pregnancy guarantees everyone else will is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I'm not being cynical. Just realistic.

Ed Balls last tango on Strictly...

... and why he made 2016 worth living through is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm off for a howl.

Tony Blair's return...

... and why we might actually really need him is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you may fume over here.

The Autumn Statement, Philip Hammond...

... and all the things he didn't tell you are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I won't apologise for the end bit.

Secret cuts to the NHS...

... and the not-so secret cuts you haven't minded in the least are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read and be infuriated by here.

People, eh? Funny bunch.

Cryogenic freezing, Donald Trump...

... and why if we don't freeze him we'll have to face up to fascism is the topic of today's incredibly-cheery column for the Daily Mirror which you can scream hate at me for here.

Let's just hope I'm not right, hey?

Facebook fake stories and Donald Trump...

... are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you almost certainly won't like, and can dislike strongly about here.

And yes, I do it too.

Donald Trump, draining the swamp...

... and why we might well need to nuke the planet from orbit is the topic of today's rather annoyed column for the Daily Mirror which you can gnash your teeth over here.

It's all right. The cretins are obviously the other guys.

President Trump, the White House...

... and why Michelle Obama will be back inside it sooner than you realise is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Honestly. You wait and see.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton...

... and why our American cousins need to remember who they're voting for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I wonder if they will?

The Brexit mess, the High Court...

... and why everything's doing EXACTLY what it should part from us is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, you DO have to vote at the end.

The 11 things we can expect from President Trump...

... are the horrifying topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Imagine it. As hard as you can.