The alternative New Year's Honours list...

... which makes much more sense than the actual one is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Ho ho ho et cetera.

Nick Harvey backs the nuclear test veterans...

... in a massive boost for the campaign I've been running for the Sunday Mirror about the men who witnessed nuclear tests in the 1950s and now have children with TEN TIMES the normal rate of birth defects.

Read up on the latest developments here.

Iain Duncan Smith is bad for your health...

... and it's official. My story on how his Work Programme makes you mentally ill was in the Sunday Mirror and you can read it here.

Mad Friday...

... and why it's not humanity's finest hour is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I advise drinking at home tonight. Go out tomorrow.

Russell Brand on Question Time...

... and why David Dimbleby just did the nation a favour is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Rest easy in your beds tonight, humanity.

The Whitehall fatberg...

... and why sometimes journalism is just s*** is today's lesson and you can watch me up to my arse in the stuff here.

And, for the love of all that's holy, stop putting wet wipes down the loo.

The CIA torture report...

... and what it really means is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Sleep well.

Madonna's bare breasts...

... and why they're not shocking any more is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

That should titillate, anyway.

A Tory Advent Calendar...

... is the topic of today's column in the Daily Mirror, prepared for your delectation, and you can open it to see what they got you for Christmas here.

Only five months to go.

Black Friday, Star Wars, immigration...

... and why you might get the feeling you're being lied to is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

The force is strong in this one. Oh yes.

I'm A Celebrity, Michael Buerk...

... and why Ed Miliband or Kim Kardashian's bum would be a better booking than any of this year's line-up is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And I am NOT sorry about that picture.

Guy Fawkes, a bomb under Parliament...

... and what you might do if you met him there today are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

That'll put a rocket up 'em...

Griff Rhys Jones refusal to pay a possible mansion tax...

... and which low-tax countries he might prefer to live in are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And then we'll sit and wait for Griff to up sticks, shall we?

Hallowe'en, witches...

... And why you shouldn't be scared of them is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Have a happy Hllowe'en, all.

Michael Fallon reckons we're being "swamped"...

... and I'm not sure he realises what we're being swamped by. My column for the Daily Mirror today is here.

Undercover police having babies with protesters...

... and why that's not something worth suing over is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Use a johnny, folks.

Renee Zellweger's face...

... and why it says more about us than her is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*squidges face up like a chipmunk*

The death of Lynda Bellingham...

... and why we should all be as lucky as her is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

But don't get depressed. Get angry.

Britain's nuclear test veterans...

... and the continuing campaign to get the Ministry of Defence to admit what seems obvious to everyone else is the reason I'm posting this article from today's Sunday Mirror.

It reports that scientific research showing the veterans' children have 10 times the normal rate of birth defects has been accepted by peer review - but still denied by the MoD.

The men in Whitehall argue that standing under a nuclear bomb is absolutely harmless.

Yeah, right.

The Ched Evans rape case...

... and what's wrong with not saying sorry, whether it's rape or not, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And if you don't like it, well, I'm sorry you feel that way!

A smoking ban for public parks...

... and why it would make much more sense to ban lots of other things that happen in public places is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be entertained by here.

After which, you'll want to go and buy some weasels.

The NHS strike...

... and why even our nurses can't be bothered to fix what's broken is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can fume over here.

Then why not tell yourself it's not your problem?

What happens when you vote UKIP...

... and why it's something no-one's thought through is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Sleep well, y'all.

Kevin Pietersen...

... and why he's not much of a god is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll be bowled over! (Sorry.)

Human rights...

... and why chimps might deserve them more than humans do is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Me, I'm off to sit in my cage. It's quiet in there.

Why it's time to dump David Cameron...

... and treat him like the lying boyfriend he is can be learned via today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.



And if you want to catch up on last night's Question Time appearance in Northampton, you can watch it on YouTube:

The end of tax discs...

... and why common sense is expiring too is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Personally, I shall keep mine for EVER.

Brooks Newmark's resignation...

... and why his paisley-patterned impropriety is a matter of public interest are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror and you can read it here.

Go on, you know you want to.

Scotland, devolution...

... and why we need to stick together and make our politicians work properly is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, you can't have a recount.

The Scotland referendum...

... and the questions no-one seems able to answer without saying "unicorns" is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*puts tin Tam O'Shanter on*

Oscar Pistorius...

... and why it's probably time we stopped giving guns to people is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Sleep safe, y'all.

The Scottish Referendum...

... and why it's a really bad idea to vote at all, but if you have to you probably ought to vote No, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*puts tartan helmet on*

The news about a second Royal Baby...

... and why White Dee would make a better Queen than Kate Middleton is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can be massively offended by here.

What use would an MBE be, any road?

Jihadi John...

... and why Britain ought to welcome him and his chums home with open arms is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be horrified by right here.

La la la la, I can't hear you, la la la.

Tony Blair being named Philanthropist of the Year...

... and just how much of an outrage that seems is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Cybernats won't like it one bit.

*hums Scotland the Brave*

The hacked photos of Jennifer Lawrence...

... and how women can avoid "asking for" this sort of treatment is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Then you will need a large jar and a black cloth.

Brad and Angelina got married...

... and the world forgot that Jennifer Aniston won this round. My column for the Daily Mirror can be read here.

Have a nice, non-judgmental weekend!

Paul Gascoigne, Malky Mackay...

... and why football really ought to be better than this by now is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Beautiful Game, my arse it is.

The murder of James Foley...

... and why a war is just what Islamic State wants us to do is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Then you will probably want to buy yourself a nice, roomy, underground bunker.

David Cameron's call to arms against IS...

... and how, exactly, the thing thing inside which passes for a brain is working, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Then you will probably want to build yourself a bunker.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014...

... and why we all LOVE it if we're honest is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Set the video recorder to OH MAH GAWD THEY DITTN'T!

Edinburgh Zoo's baby pandas...

... and why they're a really bad idea are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Yes, yes, cute, I know. But also, not pandas.

Robin Williams, depression...

... and why you don't have to be suicidal to entertain people is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

And if you need someone to talk to, ring 08457 90 90 90.

Gaza, George Galloway, Joan Rivers...

... and why idiots don't help end wars is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

*puts on tin helmet*

Boris Johnson's bid for Downing Street...

... and why it'll never happen is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

There is not one scintilla of piffle or whiff-whaff in it.

The First World War..

... the centennary and why this is a good time to work out why 17million people died is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

And then, please, make sure you're registered to vote.

The Prime Minister, his taxes...

... and the things he won't tell you even though he promised that he would, is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

After which, you will probably want a good fume.

Tony Blair's envoy role in Gaza and Israel...

... and why the world would be a better place if Tony Blair wasn't the special envoy is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

And having written it, I'm going to have a very large gin. Have yourself one, why don't you?

50 Shades of Grey trailer...

... and why it's nothing like a good spanking is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And then go and wait for me in the Red Room.

Gaza, MH17, Syria, my grandad...

... and why World War II never ended is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Tough one to write, that. RIP grandad.

Prince George's first birthday...

... and why he's really not happy about it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I shall just sit here and wait for the OBE.

The wimmin's reshuffle and wimmin bishops...

... are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here, if impotent fury is your thing.

Three months since Boko Haram kidnapped Nigerian schoolgirls...

... and what's happened since? Find out in today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Then you'll want to punch a wall, I expect. I know I do.

Lethal loom bands, children...

... and why we should blame the parents who want to ban them is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*flicks band*

A video of Angelina Jolie on drugs...

... and why it's the most inspiring thing you'll see all day is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

WARNING: You'll be hungry for cake by the end.

The person who's become known as #magalufgirl...

... and why she's not the slut who should be ashamed is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

After which, you'll probably need a wash. I know I do.

4th July and Independence Day...

... is a steaming great pile of dung, and you can read why in today's Daily Mirror column here.

Have a nice weekend, no napalming anyone.

David Cameron's cool Britannia party...

... and why it's not very cool at all is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Enjoy.

'Slave labour' labels in Primark clothes...

... and why exactly it is we can't be bothered to do anything about it are in today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Sniff the capitalism.

The true cost of the Queen and monarchy...

... and why Betty, 88, of Berkshire costs us far more than she lets on is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You will probably need a drink afterwards.

Ed Miliband and Roy Hodgson...

... and why they should BOTH be sacked within a week is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

One out, all out. Etc.

Nigel Farage and Elle Macpherson...

... were born just four days apart yet look like there's 20 years between them. What does this tell us about genetics and lifestyle?

Find out in today's Daily Mirror column here and then put out that cigarette!

Ivory poaching and international terrorism...

... are inextricably linked, mainly because bad and nasty criminals are involved in both.

But it is possible to stop both these bad and nasty things in one go, and you can learn how by clicking here and reading about how a Sunday Mirror-backed poaching patrol is saving lives in Burkina Faso.

And if you can please use the links at the bottom to donate - those rangers still need motorbikes and CB radios, and with them they'll be able to stop many more elephants being killed for their tusks.

The Zombie Coalition...

... and its big ideas for policies which all, er, seem to be law already are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Banning slavery again? Good stuff!

Star Wars 7...

... and Harrison Ford crocking his ankle is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

May the forks be with you!

Tony Blair, ISIL...

... and a rather sarcastic open letter from the people of Iraq is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

I'm off to wash everything.

Mel B on the X Factor...

... and why the fact she can't sing doesn't matter at all is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*warbles off*

Trojan horse faith schools...

... gay hate, anti-Semitism and why religion should be banned from schools is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Michael Gove won't like it, but who cares?

The Queen's Speech...

...and the 12 words in it which insult every person in Britain are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Please try to sign the petition at the end.

Dear Chinese readers...

I know there are a few of you who visit this website from within China, so this post is especially for you.

There was a report today revealing only 15% of Beijing university students can identify 'Tank Man', the protestor who stood in front of tanks during the Tiananmen Square massacre in 1989 and became an iconic image of the protests.

I was 13 when I watched BBC reporter Kate Adie reporting from the square, telling the world how the Chinese army opened fire on unarmed democracy protesters and the tanks rumbled over them.

It was one of the things which inspired me to become a journalist, because it made me think that if enough people have enough knowledge the world can change for the better.

A quarter of a century on, enough people in China still don't know enough about what happened. And the same people are still in charge of 1.3billion souls.

But the world has changed enough for people in China to access a website written by someone in London, if this post gets past its censors. And I'm proud to continue what Kate Adie started, and help to tell people what happened.

This is one of her reports from 1989.

Kirstie Allsopp, sexist hurricanes...

... And what would happen if the news had a sex change is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

INCOMING!

Dead women...

... and why they count are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

There's a link to the Refuge website at the bottom where you can sign the petition calling for a public inquiry into murder by domestic abuse, and it would be great if, like me, you could find time to sign it.

Charlize Theron's comments on rape...

... and why being a celebrity really isn't quite the same thing as being attacked is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

*Puts tin helmet on and goes a bit Colonel Kurtz*

Nick Clegg's possible resignation...

... and why he's losing his tenuous grip on sanity is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

*Goes to hang upside down somewhere*

UKIP not winning...

... and what's really a political earthquake is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

Hold on for a year of fun and frolics!

The European elections, Russell Brand...

... and why you have to get off your arse and vote is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

NOW GO AND VOTE OR ELSE.

Nigel Farage's open letter to voters...

... and what he said if you read between the lines is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Enjoy, fact fans.

MPs, their holidays....

... and why not voting is the worst thing you can do is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Have a nice weekend x

Government statistics...

... and why they mean we still need words like "bollocks" is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

What happens if you write online about Nigel Farage and UKIP?

Well, they might send the police round a coincidentally amazing 90 minutes later.

Today's Daily Mirror column is about how UKIP called the cops on a humble tweeter and you can read it here.

Rest easy in your beds, folks.

Women on the front line...

... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Afterwards you'll need some fresh air and a big drink. Mine's a gin.

Boko Haram and missing schoolgirls...

... at home and abroad are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Keep 'em peeled.

Bear Grylls' parenting tips...

... and why parents who are terrified their little angels might scratch their knee are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Mind your head, now.

What would happen if Nigel Farage and UKIP actually won...

... and what we can expect is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Swivel-eyed loons beware: It contains logic.

Food banks in David Cameron's back yard...

... and what we can all do about it is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Fill yer boots, plebs.

David Moyes being sacked by Manchester United...

... and a list of 20 other jobs it would be useful for him to make a hash of are the topic of today's Dail Mirror column which you can read here.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just off to the Moulin Rouge.

David Cameron's jellyfish...

... tells all in an exclusive interview (honest) which you can read here.

Think twice before you go in the water, folks.

An idiot's guide to sexism...

... and how idiots can avoid being guilty of it, especially if they work for the British Army, is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Stand hat. EASE!

Kate and William's trip Down Under...

... and why if they were on Facebook you'd have blocked them by now are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

I'm off to find some ointment.

Maria Miller's resignation...

... is simply not enough if we want to clean up politics, and the reasons why are outlined in today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Then GO and VOTE.

Maria Miller...

...  has no honour, no vocation, and no skill. Read today's Daily Mirror column on the "improper" Culture Secretary here.

David Cameron's world view...

... and what he thinks when he looks at you is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll never sleep right again. Sorry.

Purple Day...

... and a big secret I've been keeping from you is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

I am now off to dress like Prince.

The anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide...

... and how Seattle Police are doing it all wrong is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Nevermind, eh?

Missing MH-370 conspiracy theories...

... and why the authorities can't find their arse with both hands and a map is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Let's hope for the best.

Bob Crow's sudden death...

... and why he did such a good job of irritating everyone is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Mind the gap.

A video of Justin Bieber's willy...

... and why it's not as private as I'm sure he'd like it to be is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Mind how you go.

The 8 rules of internet life...

... and how not to get caught out are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror and you can read it here.

Watch those norks, now.

Benefits Street....

... and how it stretches all the way to Threadneedle Street is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll want to punch something afterwards, so go and get a pillow first.

Helen Grant wants you to play "more feminine" sports...

... and I think that's a load of old rot, for reasons outlined in detail here.

Feminine means you're hard as nails, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Killer dogs...

... and the stupid humans that make them are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And there's a GOOD DOG.

ITV have set up a TV channel just for women...

... and filled it full of vajazzles and housewifery. Yes, really. My column about this obscenity is hosted by the Daily Mirror and you can read it here.

I am just off on a furious rampage.

Floods in Somerset...

... and other areas that vote Tory are likely to wash away the Coalition, I reckon, and have written about it here.

Snorkels on, folks.

I NekNominate you...

... to read today's column about drinking responsibly and not banning stuff that is perfectly normal teenage behaviour. It's here, along with some new NekNominate rules.

Have a nice weekend x

#BigBenefitsRow and what really went on...

... in the Green Room, in the bar, and in the studio can all be learned, along with some juicy and interesting facts, right here.

Enjoy. I'm off for a lie down.

Justin Bieber will get fat...

... if he lives another 20 years, which some might doubt. Details of his imagined future life and last living Belieber can be seen by clicking here.

10 things we learned from Amanda Knox's retrial...

... and the murder of Meredith Kercher, who seems to have been forgotten in all the guff about the main suspect in her killing.

All in today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

The Queen is running out of money...

... but there are plenty of options. There are some helpful money-making suggestions for her in my Daily Mirror column today, which you can read here.

I'll just sit here and wait for my damehood, shall I?

Blame Canada.

Because it's responsible for today's column which is here.

Don't read it, you'll only get offended.

Don't get sick...

... don't be different, don't be the sort of person who notices stuff like this.

Otherwise you'd have to do something about it.

Lib Dems, political apologies...

... and the four rules of saying sorry are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which may be enjoyed here.

Chris Huhne and David Laws would probably rather not read it, but the rest of you can fill your boots.

The Oscars aren't as nice as they seem...

... and if you think it's all lovely people and nice frocks, read this.

You'll never see Woody Allen the same way again.

Francois Hollande, politics...

... and Ed Miliband's G-spot are all included in today's column which is here.

Wouldn't read it if I were you. You'll never be the same again.

If Hayley Cropper can kill herself...

... and the law says my dog mustn't suffer unnecessarily, then I want to be able to do the same.

Today's column is about suicide and you can read it here.

Now: on with the gin martinis!

This is what it's like to go on Question Time...

... and I only wish Dimbleby had been drunk enough to take his shirt off.

Read all the behind-the-scenes shenanigans here and don't forget to say dinosaur.

Stop just watching TV...

... and start thinking instead, for example by reading this.

WARNING: May contain extra bumholes.

Never mind the floods...

... it's time to build an ark, and start chucking a few people overboard. Starting with Eric Pickles, as you can read here.

Stay dry, y'all.

New Year's resolutions...

... are a load of old rubbish according to medical experts, science, logic and me.

If you want to know why, you can read about it here and then treat yourself to a nice gin and tonic.

Cheers!