Donald Trump, abortion...

... and why he gets to tell me what to do with my uterus on the same day I get to slam his balls in a car door is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, Jesus IS on my side in this one.

America and why its people are so stupid...

... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Unless you're American, in which case you'd probably rather not.

Argentina, the Falkland Islands...

... and why those rocks in the South Atlantic are better off British is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*hums Rule Britannia*

The Brussels terror attacks...

... and why atrocities make us behave atrociously is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm off for some fresh air.

Jamie Oliver, breast feeding...

... and why he ought to wind his neck in and get back to the kitchen is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Please send all neonatal Nazi comments c/o your mum.

Top Gear, Chris Evans...

... and why he might just be even more stupid than Jeremy Clarkson is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Dearie me.

Douglas Adams, the Hitchhiker's Guide and the EU referendum...

... have all been crashed together to make something that looks a bit like today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Remember: 42.

International Women's Day...

... and an open letter to my unborn daughter are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Poor little scrap. Being monetised already.

Prince William, Kate Middleton...

... and why we secretly love a total lack of equality is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I know, I won't be made a dame any time soon. Somehow I think I'll cope.

Iain Duncan Smith's raging hypocrisy...

... and why both sides in the EU referendum are as hateful as each other is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Perhaps Kim will let us move to North Korea.

The reasons why Donald Trump is helping Hillary Clinton...

... and why we should all be so glad he's doing so well after Super Tuesday is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Pip, pip!

If Donald Trump wins Super Tuesday...

... and makes it to the White House, these are the policies he'll be taking with him. I wrote a thing for our new national newspaper The New Day on how The Donald will run the world and you can read it by clicking here.

Then, I suggest, you'll be wanting a bunker of some sort.