... and why we're doing them all wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Enjoy what remains of 2016 - and remember, New Year's Eve is amateur night. Go boozing on January 1 instead if you can. Easier to get served.
Friday 30 December 2016
Wednesday 28 December 2016
The curse of 2016...
... and why 2017 is going to be much worse if you can't figure this stuff out is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Three weeks left.
Three weeks left.
Thursday 22 December 2016
Anis Amri, Angela Merkel...
... and why you're not being told the truth about the Berlin Christmas market terror attack is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And yes, it's the truth. Why wouldn't it be?
And yes, it's the truth. Why wouldn't it be?
Wednesday 21 December 2016
The carnage of 2016 and Katie Price's latest meltdown...
... are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which is all about why things can only get better, and you can read it here.
Goodbye 2016, and f*** off.
Goodbye 2016, and f*** off.
Monday 19 December 2016
Where the Labour Party is going wrong...
... and why it probably won't listen to its own listening exercise is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can gnash your teeth at here.
I despair, really I do.
I despair, really I do.
Friday 16 December 2016
The nasty Tory party...
... and how it's nastier now even than it was in Maggie Thatcher's heyday is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Enjoy Christmas.
Enjoy Christmas.
Wednesday 14 December 2016
Amir Khan, Faryal Makhdoom...
... and why their family rows - and yours - are best kept on simmer at Christmas are the topic for today's Daily Mirror column which, as ever, you can read here.
It's Kieran Hayler I feel sorry for.
Monday 12 December 2016
Theresa May's trousers...
... and why they're a more serious problem than anyone realises yet is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And you may have Trexit for free.
And you may have Trexit for free.
Monday 5 December 2016
Article 50, the Supreme Court, Brexit...
... and why it doesn't all mean what you might have been told it means is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Enjoy the GIFs.
Enjoy the GIFs.
Friday 2 December 2016
The football abuse scandal, Chelsea's £50,000 gagging contract...
... and why football's dirty little secret is finally out is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I await the Chelsea fans with interest.
I await the Chelsea fans with interest.
Wednesday 30 November 2016
Cheryl Tweedy Cole Ferenandez-Versini thingummybob...
... and why not talking about your pregnancy guarantees everyone else will is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, I'm not being cynical. Just realistic.
And no, I'm not being cynical. Just realistic.
Monday 28 November 2016
Ed Balls last tango on Strictly...
... and why he made 2016 worth living through is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I'm off for a howl.
I'm off for a howl.
Friday 25 November 2016
Tony Blair's return...
... and why we might actually really need him is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you may fume over here.
Wednesday 23 November 2016
The Autumn Statement, Philip Hammond...
... and all the things he didn't tell you are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, I won't apologise for the end bit.
And no, I won't apologise for the end bit.
Monday 21 November 2016
Secret cuts to the NHS...
... and the not-so secret cuts you haven't minded in the least are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read and be infuriated by here.
People, eh? Funny bunch.
People, eh? Funny bunch.
Friday 18 November 2016
Cryogenic freezing, Donald Trump...
... and why if we don't freeze him we'll have to face up to fascism is the topic of today's incredibly-cheery column for the Daily Mirror which you can scream hate at me for here.
Let's just hope I'm not right, hey?
Let's just hope I'm not right, hey?
Wednesday 16 November 2016
Facebook fake stories and Donald Trump...
... are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you almost certainly won't like, and can dislike strongly about here.
And yes, I do it too.
And yes, I do it too.
Friday 11 November 2016
Donald Trump, draining the swamp...
... and why we might well need to nuke the planet from orbit is the topic of today's rather annoyed column for the Daily Mirror which you can gnash your teeth over here.
It's all right. The cretins are obviously the other guys.
It's all right. The cretins are obviously the other guys.
Wednesday 9 November 2016
President Trump, the White House...
... and why Michelle Obama will be back inside it sooner than you realise is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Honestly. You wait and see.
Honestly. You wait and see.
Monday 7 November 2016
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton...
... and why our American cousins need to remember who they're voting for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I wonder if they will?
I wonder if they will?
Friday 4 November 2016
The Brexit mess, the High Court...
... and why everything's doing EXACTLY what it should part from us is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And yes, you DO have to vote at the end.
And yes, you DO have to vote at the end.
Wednesday 2 November 2016
The 11 things we can expect from President Trump...
... are the horrifying topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Imagine it. As hard as you can.
Imagine it. As hard as you can.
Monday 31 October 2016
Hillary Clinton might be a witch!
Because she seeks power and we ALL know that means she's a tool of Satan, right? That's the topic of today's Hallowe'en column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Don't forget to vote!
Don't forget to vote!
Friday 28 October 2016
World War 3, Syria, ISIS...
... and why "standing back" while Russia does its thing isn't really na option when we've been at war since 1992 is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, if you're brave enough, here.
The video at the end should cheer you up.
Wednesday 26 October 2016
Witches, Hallowe'en...
... and why every little girl should dress in a pointy hat this weekend is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And any Christians who don't like it can go and boil their head.
And any Christians who don't like it can go and boil their head.
Monday 24 October 2016
Princess Beatrice and her sister Eugenie...
... apparently need work to do, so the 9 jobs even they should be able to manage are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
They won't send me to the tower for it, I've written far worse.
They won't send me to the tower for it, I've written far worse.
Friday 21 October 2016
Gary Lineker, lies about migrants...
... and just who stands to gain the most from telling them is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I know who I'd rather play football with.
I know who I'd rather play football with.
Monday 17 October 2016
Little Mix on the X Factor...
... and the real reason they're taking their clothes off is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Friday 14 October 2016
Kumbuka the escaped gorilla...
... and why he is not the most terrifying creature in the world is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which is available here.
And no, I'm not sorry.
And no, I'm not sorry.
Wednesday 12 October 2016
Boris Johnson, Syria and how to Stop the War...
... are the topics of today's quite incredible column for the Daily Mirror, which is all about him telling the truth for once, which you can read here.
Perhaps one day he'll tell the truth in person. We can but hope.
Perhaps one day he'll tell the truth in person. We can but hope.
Monday 10 October 2016
Donald Trump, his locker room banter...
... and why it's the rest of mankind who need to change how they behave is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Still waiting to hear back from Nigel.
Still waiting to hear back from Nigel.
Friday 7 October 2016
The Apprentice, the Labour Party reshuffle...
... and how they bother face their hardest-ever task is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you may read through your fingers here.
Amazingly, the stuff about the dildo is true.
Amazingly, the stuff about the dildo is true.
Wednesday 5 October 2016
Theresa May's speech at Conservative Party Conference...
... and how she's going to remove every last scrap of enjoyment out of your life is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I wish I was joking, but I'm not.
I wish I was joking, but I'm not.
Monday 3 October 2016
Strictly Come Dancing being racist...
... and why it's not the show but the viewers who can't bear a black man winning at anything is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can fume over here.
Please send any complaints c/o your mum.
Please send any complaints c/o your mum.
Friday 30 September 2016
Kate Middleton in Canada...
... and why that's a slightly less pleasant idea than Katie Price in panto is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be appalled by here.
The comments, I imagine, will be wonderful.
The comments, I imagine, will be wonderful.
Wednesday 28 September 2016
Sam Allardyce, football corruption...
... and why he's not the FA's biggest problem is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here and then complain in the comments I'm a girl or some such.
What would I know? ;)
What would I know? ;)
Sam Allardyce, football corruption...
... and why he's not the FA's biggest problem is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here and then complain in the comments I'm a girl or some such.
What would I know? ;)
What would I know? ;)
Monday 26 September 2016
Zoe Ball splitting up (again) with Fatboy Slim...
... and why it shows we're doing marriage all wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can write BAH HUMBUG underneath here.
Amazing how many people read things they say they don't care about, isn't it?
Amazing how many people read things they say they don't care about, isn't it?
Friday 23 September 2016
Jeremy Corbyn, Owen Smith...
... and why the Labour Party leadership doesn't matter a damn if no-one bothers to fight for the people any more is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Note to trolls and cultists: bring it.
Note to trolls and cultists: bring it.
Tuesday 20 September 2016
The divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...
... and why Jennifer Aniston probably isn't that surprised about it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
*laughs triumphantly*
*laughs triumphantly*
Monday 19 September 2016
Parenthood, Mr Tumble...
... and how both can drive you insane are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Perhaps Foxcub'll never read it.
Perhaps Foxcub'll never read it.
Friday 16 September 2016
Wonga, parliament...
... and whether the two being friendly is a crime or not is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
He's a very naughty boy...
He's a very naughty boy...
Thursday 15 September 2016
BHS, Volkswagen, and how to do bad public relations...
... is the topic of my guest blog for Alder Communications which you can read here.
I'm afraid there are fewer jokes than normal.
I'm afraid there are fewer jokes than normal.
Wednesday 14 September 2016
The Great British Bake Off...
... and why Mary Berry might be evil but didn't need fiddling with is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And yes, those laminated cards EXIST.
And yes, those laminated cards EXIST.
Monday 12 September 2016
Hate crime, misogyny...
... and why of COURSE they're the same thing is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Feel free to hold a door open if you see me.
Feel free to hold a door open if you see me.
Friday 9 September 2016
Grammar schools, the closure of Fabric...
... and why this all shows why we need selective education is the topic of today's column in the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.
There's even a Keith Vaz joke. You're welcome x
There's even a Keith Vaz joke. You're welcome x
Wednesday 7 September 2016
School uniforms, the Gestapo...
... and why they're not QUITE the same thing is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Looking forward to the poll results on this one.
Looking forward to the poll results on this one.
Monday 5 September 2016
Broken Brexit promises...
... and what'll happen next is the topic of today's first post-holiday column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
With apologies to people who like cats.*
* Not really
With apologies to people who like cats.*
* Not really
Thursday 25 August 2016
The best not very scientific ways of cooling down in the heat...
... are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can not get the joke about here.
Please send your complaints c/o your mum.
Please send your complaints c/o your mum.
Monday 22 August 2016
Mo Farah, his possible knighthood...
... and why that would be a really bad idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I'll bet he doesn't get what he should, but there we go. I tried.
I'll bet he doesn't get what he should, but there we go. I tried.
Friday 19 August 2016
Omran Dasneeq the Syrian boy covered in blood...
.. what we could do about it, and all we're going to do about it, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Happy World Humanitarian Day, everyone.
Happy World Humanitarian Day, everyone.
Wednesday 17 August 2016
Johnny Depp, Simon Danczuk...
... and why they're not the problem with domestic abuse is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Monday 15 August 2016
Caster Semenya, the Rio 2016 Olympics...
... and why none of it's normal and that's fine is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I won't even insist that you can't if you're not normal enough.
I won't even insist that you can't if you're not normal enough.
Friday 12 August 2016
The Glorious Twelfth...
... and why it's really very silly indeed is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, I'm not suggesting we do it to spaniels. But imagine if we did...
And no, I'm not suggesting we do it to spaniels. But imagine if we did...
Wednesday 10 August 2016
Sexual harassment...
... and how to solve it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, you don't want to get on the wrong side of me.
And no, you don't want to get on the wrong side of me.
Monday 8 August 2016
International Cat Day...
... and why it's the most stupid thing, in a very crowded field, that humans have ever done is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, I didn't mention Jeremy Corbyn's cat. But I COULD HAVE.
And no, I didn't mention Jeremy Corbyn's cat. But I COULD HAVE.
Friday 5 August 2016
Jeremy Corbyn, his leadership speech...
... and why he LITERALLY makes no sense at all is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Have a lovely weekend x
Have a lovely weekend x
Wednesday 3 August 2016
The Rio Olympics, the refugee team...
... and why they demonstrate the very best and absolute worst of humanity is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And if anyone here know Nigel, please be sure and pass it on ;-)
And if anyone here know Nigel, please be sure and pass it on ;-)
Monday 1 August 2016
David Cameron's resignation honours list...
... and the titles he didn't include are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Apologies to Grayson Perry.
Apologies to Grayson Perry.
Friday 29 July 2016
Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump...
... and why the fact she's a woman matters is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Keep your fingers crossed, hey?
Keep your fingers crossed, hey?
Wednesday 27 July 2016
Jeremy Corbyn, his Momentum...
... and why he ought to do something to stop it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Judging by the comments you will need to bring your tinfoil hat and leave the sense of humour at home.
Judging by the comments you will need to bring your tinfoil hat and leave the sense of humour at home.
Monday 25 July 2016
The knighthood of Philip Green...
... and why stripping him of it won't change a thing about our dishonours system is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
*curtsies*
*curtsies*
Thursday 21 July 2016
Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour leadership election...
... and why voting for him will be a vote for Nigel Farage and UKIP is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Bon appetit.
Bon appetit.
Wednesday 20 July 2016
Lance Hart, the Spalding shootings...
... and why family annihilation is no different to any other murder is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Amazing to consider this is the one sort of terrorism we don't seem to mind.
Amazing to consider this is the one sort of terrorism we don't seem to mind.
Monday 18 July 2016
Jeremy Corbyn, the Trident vote...
... and how he's being held hostage by his own party is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, it seems mad to me too.
And no, it seems mad to me too.
Thursday 14 July 2016
Boris Johnson's new job as Foreign Secretary...
... and head of MI6 is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
What ho, spiffing, ZING et cetera.
What ho, spiffing, ZING et cetera.
Wednesday 13 July 2016
David Cameron's last day on the job...
... and the one thing we'll remember him for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
OINK.
OINK.
Monday 11 July 2016
Jeremy Corbyn, Angela Eagle...
... and what they've got in common with Star Wars is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
*sings*
Since you'd better go, you'd better go now, go now...
*sings*
Since you'd better go, you'd better go now, go now...
Friday 8 July 2016
Dallas, Philando Castile, and the Tory leadership contest...
Wednesday 6 July 2016
Tony Blair, the Chilcot Report...
... and why we already know how it all went wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Be furious.
Be furious.
Monday 4 July 2016
Nigel Farage, his resignation speech...
... and what he really meant to say is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Enjoy your hole.
Enjoy your hole.
Friday 1 July 2016
How Brexit's broken everything...
... but it doesn't have to break everything is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And now I need a stiff drink. Have a non-extreme weekend.
And now I need a stiff drink. Have a non-extreme weekend.
Monday 27 June 2016
Jeremy Corbyn and why Jexit...
... is the best thing any of us can hope for in the next few months is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Out, foul spot, out.
Out, foul spot, out.
Friday 24 June 2016
The EU referendum result...
... does have a few silver linings, and here they are.
Have a cup of tea and a nice, non-panicky weekend.
Have a cup of tea and a nice, non-panicky weekend.
Wednesday 22 June 2016
What will happen if Britain Brexits the EU...
... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Not making any of it up.
Not making any of it up.
Monday 20 June 2016
Nigel Farage and how he's winning the EU referendum...
... for the Remain side is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Vote, vote, VOTE.
Vote, vote, VOTE.
Friday 17 June 2016
The death of Jo Cox MP...
... and why we have to take our country back is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Be kind to one another.
Be kind to one another.
Wednesday 15 June 2016
Iain Duncan Smith...
... and why he now admits foreigners DON'T claim all our benefits is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And for all our sakes don't forget it.
And for all our sakes don't forget it.
Monday 13 June 2016
The Orlando shooting by Omar Mateen...
... and what the rest of the world can do to change the USA's murderous guns and hate culture is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
One year is all it would take.
One year is all it would take.
Friday 10 June 2016
Euro 2016 and the EU referendum...
... are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Politics and football, which should upset just about everyone on the internet.
Politics and football, which should upset just about everyone on the internet.
Monday 6 June 2016
D Day and the EU referendum...
... are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror, 72 years after many of our grandads invaded northern Europe, and you can read it here.
And it's too late to change my mind now!
And it's too late to change my mind now!
Wednesday 1 June 2016
Harambe the gorilla...
... and what he thinks of the humans who shot him is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And yes, he told me.
And yes, he told me.
Tuesday 31 May 2016
Harambe the gorilla had to be shot...
... and if you don't believe me read today's column in the Daily Mirror here.
Tell me I'm wrong only if you've given your child to an agitated 28-stone gorilla recently.
Tell me I'm wrong only if you've given your child to an agitated 28-stone gorilla recently.
Friday 27 May 2016
Jose Mourinho going to Manchester United...
... and 7 reasons why he's the enemy of football is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be enraged by here.
See if I'm wrong, go on.
See if I'm wrong, go on.
Wednesday 25 May 2016
1 in 5 couples are completely miserable...
... but won't do anything about it. The cautionary tale of Graham and Samantha is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Follow the smiles x
Follow the smiles x
Monday 23 May 2016
The EU referendum...
... just got REALLY nasty and you can horrified about it by reading today's Daily Mirror column here.
I apologise for making you think about it.
I apologise for making you think about it.
Wednesday 18 May 2016
The Queen's Speech...
... and all the things she didn't say in it are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And as a bonus, there's a second column about what a British bill of rights might look like if we ever got one, which of course we won't. You can read that one here.
As for me, I'm taking the rest of the week off. Enjoy yourselves x
And as a bonus, there's a second column about what a British bill of rights might look like if we ever got one, which of course we won't. You can read that one here.
As for me, I'm taking the rest of the week off. Enjoy yourselves x
Wednesday 11 May 2016
The Queen's royal gaffes...
... and what might have ended up on the palace cameraman's cutting room floor is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Must go, there's six angry Beefeaters at the door.
Must go, there's six angry Beefeaters at the door.
Monday 9 May 2016
World War 3, the EU referendum...
... and the question of whether our PM is a genocidal maniac is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Do I build a bunker or not? Decisions, decisions.
Do I build a bunker or not? Decisions, decisions.
Friday 6 May 2016
Neil Hamilton, the local elections...
... and why we might want to ask ourselves exactly what Wales is up to is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And yes, it's true about the carrots. Just awful.
And yes, it's true about the carrots. Just awful.
Wednesday 4 May 2016
The local elections of 2016...
... and why not voting would be a really bad idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And I'm sorry about the Tim Farron thing. Honest.
And I'm sorry about the Tim Farron thing. Honest.
Wednesday 27 April 2016
Beyonce, her new album Lemonade...
... and why she's making lemons out of us all is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Can't believe I even needed to say it, but still.
Can't believe I even needed to say it, but still.
Monday 25 April 2016
Philip Green, BHS...
... and how many luxury yachts is enough luxury yachts is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I'd be happy with just the one, wouldn't you?
I'd be happy with just the one, wouldn't you?
Wednesday 20 April 2016
Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini Whatever...
... and why you don't want to change your name when you get married is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, whatever you're called, here.
Honestly, it's a right old faff.
Honestly, it's a right old faff.
Monday 18 April 2016
Childbirth...
... and why it's worse and better than I imagined is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
*retires to her rubber ring*
*retires to her rubber ring*
Monday 4 April 2016
The Panama Leaks, David Cameron...
... and why it's up to us to find a way to stop bears pooping in the woods is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Because the bears sure as hell aren't going to do it, are they?
Because the bears sure as hell aren't going to do it, are they?
Thursday 31 March 2016
Donald Trump, abortion...
... and why he gets to tell me what to do with my uterus on the same day I get to slam his balls in a car door is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And yes, Jesus IS on my side in this one.
And yes, Jesus IS on my side in this one.
Wednesday 30 March 2016
America and why its people are so stupid...
... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Unless you're American, in which case you'd probably rather not.
Unless you're American, in which case you'd probably rather not.
Tuesday 29 March 2016
Argentina, the Falkland Islands...
... and why those rocks in the South Atlantic are better off British is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
*hums Rule Britannia*
*hums Rule Britannia*
Wednesday 23 March 2016
The Brussels terror attacks...
... and why atrocities make us behave atrociously is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I'm off for some fresh air.
I'm off for some fresh air.
Friday 18 March 2016
Jamie Oliver, breast feeding...
... and why he ought to wind his neck in and get back to the kitchen is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Please send all neonatal Nazi comments c/o your mum.
Please send all neonatal Nazi comments c/o your mum.
Monday 14 March 2016
Top Gear, Chris Evans...
... and why he might just be even more stupid than Jeremy Clarkson is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Dearie me.
Dearie me.
Friday 11 March 2016
Douglas Adams, the Hitchhiker's Guide and the EU referendum...
... have all been crashed together to make something that looks a bit like today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Remember: 42.
Remember: 42.
Tuesday 8 March 2016
International Women's Day...
... and an open letter to my unborn daughter are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Poor little scrap. Being monetised already.
Poor little scrap. Being monetised already.
Monday 7 March 2016
Prince William, Kate Middleton...
... and why we secretly love a total lack of equality is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
I know, I won't be made a dame any time soon. Somehow I think I'll cope.
I know, I won't be made a dame any time soon. Somehow I think I'll cope.
Friday 4 March 2016
Iain Duncan Smith's raging hypocrisy...
... and why both sides in the EU referendum are as hateful as each other is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Perhaps Kim will let us move to North Korea.
Perhaps Kim will let us move to North Korea.
Wednesday 2 March 2016
The reasons why Donald Trump is helping Hillary Clinton...
... and why we should all be so glad he's doing so well after Super Tuesday is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Pip, pip!
Pip, pip!
Tuesday 1 March 2016
If Donald Trump wins Super Tuesday...
... and makes it to the White House, these are the policies he'll be taking with him. I wrote a thing for our new national newspaper The New Day on how The Donald will run the world and you can read it by clicking here.
Then, I suggest, you'll be wanting a bunker of some sort.
Then, I suggest, you'll be wanting a bunker of some sort.
Friday 26 February 2016
Donald Trump really WILL make America great again...
... and I can prove it here, in today's Daily Mirror column.
And it's not even that sarcastic, considering! Have a nice weekend.
And it's not even that sarcastic, considering! Have a nice weekend.
Wednesday 24 February 2016
Commuters, rush hour...
... and combining the two with pregnancy is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
No really, don't get up. I can see you're busy with your phone.
No really, don't get up. I can see you're busy with your phone.
Monday 22 February 2016
The EU referendum, Boris Johnson...
... and why it's all funnier than anyone realises is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, I'm NOT joking.
And no, I'm NOT joking.
Friday 19 February 2016
David Cameron, the EU...
... and why there are 10 more important and interesting things he should be demanding in treaty negotiations are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
At a guess, I'd say I made only half of it up.
At a guess, I'd say I made only half of it up.
Wednesday 17 February 2016
Animal cruelty...
... and why we don't punish it properly or sometimes at all is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
After which, you'll need to cuddle the nearest pet and apologise.
After which, you'll need to cuddle the nearest pet and apologise.
Monday 15 February 2016
The new James Bond...
... and why, if the world was doing right, it really ought to be Nigel Farage is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
You KNOW I'm right.
You KNOW I'm right.
Friday 12 February 2016
Jeremy Hunt's war on the NHS...
... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
After which you will need a tin helmet and immunity from disease.
After which you will need a tin helmet and immunity from disease.
Monday 8 February 2016
David Cameron's prison reforms...
... and why he perhaps ought to be in one himself is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
While we wait, enjoy the inevitable crime wave he's sending your way.
While we wait, enjoy the inevitable crime wave he's sending your way.
Wednesday 3 February 2016
Baby first aid...
... and the 11 ways your child is going to try to kill itself is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And then have a gin, while you still can.
And then have a gin, while you still can.
Monday 1 February 2016
The House of Lords and why it should be reformed...
... by us, rather than the politicians, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And then we shall just sit and wait for them to offer us ermine, won't we?
And then we shall just sit and wait for them to offer us ermine, won't we?
Friday 29 January 2016
The new plus-sized Barbie...
... and why she's a silly idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
So far, I'm the only person who actually bothered to have a Skipper doll.
So far, I'm the only person who actually bothered to have a Skipper doll.
Wednesday 27 January 2016
The Bedroom Tax, Google's tax...
... and why Britain is more corrupt than most people realise is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Then you'll probably want a wash.
Then you'll probably want a wash.
Tuesday 26 January 2016
Stranded sperm whales and human evolution...
... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
The responses so far seem to be backing the "two new species theory". You have been warned.
The responses so far seem to be backing the "two new species theory". You have been warned.
Friday 22 January 2016
The rats of Westminster...
... and the trouble they get up to gnawing through the wires that hold the place together is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
So long as the Men in Black haven't deleted everything, of course.
So long as the Men in Black haven't deleted everything, of course.
Wednesday 20 January 2016
Sarah Palin, Donald Trump...
... and why they're not the Americans you need to worry about in the presidential race is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And no, Bigfoot isn't real.
And no, Bigfoot isn't real.
Monday 18 January 2016
David Cameron's lessons for Muslim mums...
... and why it might actually make new terrorists for us all to enjoy is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
Can I suggest you remind yourself to go and vote, next time you get the chance?
Can I suggest you remind yourself to go and vote, next time you get the chance?
Friday 15 January 2016
The Queen's 90th birthday party...
... and why paying £150 a head to attend is quite reasonable, really, if you see it from her point of view is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
You'll be disinvited if you do, but you'll also have saved yourself £150.
You'll be disinvited if you do, but you'll also have saved yourself £150.
Wednesday 13 January 2016
A £33million lottery win...
... and 9 ways to splash all that cash without losing your mind is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.
And yes, we can all dream!
And yes, we can all dream!
Friday 8 January 2016
New alcohol guidelines...
... and why you might as well have a drink rather than follow them are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read, if your're sober enough, here.
And no, I'm not explaining about the Jagermeister.
And no, I'm not explaining about the Jagermeister.
Wednesday 6 January 2016
North Korea's nuclear bomb, Kim Jong Un...
... and why you need to worry more about Donald Trump's hairdresser is the topic of today's thermonuclear Daily Mirror column which you can read here.
Don't be scared. Be ANGRY.
Don't be scared. Be ANGRY.
Monday 4 January 2016
New Year resolutions...
... and the only seven that are worth making and keeping are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, unless you've resolved not to, here.
And remember - DO NOT DESPAIR.
And remember - DO NOT DESPAIR.