New Year's resolutions...

... and why we're doing them all wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Enjoy what remains of 2016 - and remember, New Year's Eve is amateur night. Go boozing on January 1 instead if you can. Easier to get served.

The curse of 2016...

... and why 2017 is going to be much worse if you can't figure this stuff out is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Three weeks left.

Anis Amri, Angela Merkel...

... and why you're not being told the truth about the Berlin Christmas market terror attack is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, it's the truth. Why wouldn't it be?

The carnage of 2016 and Katie Price's latest meltdown...

... are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which is all about why things can only get better, and you can read it here.

Goodbye 2016, and f*** off.

Where the Labour Party is going wrong...

... and why it probably won't listen to its own listening exercise is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can gnash your teeth at here.

I despair, really I do.

The nasty Tory party...

... and how it's nastier now even than it was in Maggie Thatcher's heyday is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Enjoy Christmas.

Amir Khan, Faryal Makhdoom...

... and why their family rows - and yours - are best kept on simmer at Christmas are the topic for today's Daily Mirror column which, as ever, you can read here.

It's Kieran Hayler I feel sorry for.

Theresa May's trousers...

... and why they're a more serious problem than anyone realises yet is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And you may have Trexit for free.

Article 50, the Supreme Court, Brexit...

... and why it doesn't all mean what you might have been told it means is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Enjoy the GIFs.

The football abuse scandal, Chelsea's £50,000 gagging contract...

... and why football's dirty little secret is finally out is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I await the Chelsea fans with interest.

Cheryl Tweedy Cole Ferenandez-Versini thingummybob...

... and why not talking about your pregnancy guarantees everyone else will is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I'm not being cynical. Just realistic.

Ed Balls last tango on Strictly...

... and why he made 2016 worth living through is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm off for a howl.

Tony Blair's return...

... and why we might actually really need him is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you may fume over here.

The Autumn Statement, Philip Hammond...

... and all the things he didn't tell you are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I won't apologise for the end bit.

Secret cuts to the NHS...

... and the not-so secret cuts you haven't minded in the least are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read and be infuriated by here.

People, eh? Funny bunch.

Cryogenic freezing, Donald Trump...

... and why if we don't freeze him we'll have to face up to fascism is the topic of today's incredibly-cheery column for the Daily Mirror which you can scream hate at me for here.

Let's just hope I'm not right, hey?

Facebook fake stories and Donald Trump...

... are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you almost certainly won't like, and can dislike strongly about here.

And yes, I do it too.

Donald Trump, draining the swamp...

... and why we might well need to nuke the planet from orbit is the topic of today's rather annoyed column for the Daily Mirror which you can gnash your teeth over here.

It's all right. The cretins are obviously the other guys.

President Trump, the White House...

... and why Michelle Obama will be back inside it sooner than you realise is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Honestly. You wait and see.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton...

... and why our American cousins need to remember who they're voting for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I wonder if they will?

The Brexit mess, the High Court...

... and why everything's doing EXACTLY what it should part from us is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, you DO have to vote at the end.

The 11 things we can expect from President Trump...

... are the horrifying topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Imagine it. As hard as you can.

Hillary Clinton might be a witch!

Because she seeks power and we ALL know that means she's a tool of Satan, right? That's the topic of today's Hallowe'en column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Don't forget to vote!

World War 3, Syria, ISIS...

... and why "standing back" while Russia does its thing isn't really na option when we've been at war since 1992 is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, if you're brave enough, here.

The video at the end should cheer you up.

Witches, Hallowe'en...

... and why every little girl should dress in a pointy hat this weekend is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And any Christians who don't like it can go and boil their head.

Princess Beatrice and her sister Eugenie...

... apparently need work to do, so the 9 jobs even they should be able to manage are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

They won't send me to the tower for it, I've written far worse.

Gary Lineker, lies about migrants...

... and just who stands to gain the most from telling them is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I  know who I'd rather play football with.

Little Mix on the X Factor...

... and the real reason they're taking their clothes off is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Kumbuka the escaped gorilla...

... and why he is not the most terrifying creature in the world is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which is available here.

And no, I'm not sorry.

Boris Johnson, Syria and how to Stop the War...

... are the topics of today's quite incredible column for the Daily Mirror, which is all about him telling the truth for once, which you can read here.

Perhaps one day he'll tell the truth in person. We can but hope.

Donald Trump, his locker room banter...

... and why it's the rest of mankind who need to change how they behave is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Still waiting to hear back from Nigel.

The Apprentice, the Labour Party reshuffle...

... and how they bother face their hardest-ever task is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you may read through your fingers here.

Amazingly, the stuff about the dildo is true.

Theresa May's speech at Conservative Party Conference...

... and how she's going to remove every last scrap of enjoyment out of your life is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I wish I was joking, but I'm not.

Strictly Come Dancing being racist...

... and why it's not the show but the viewers who can't bear a black man winning at anything is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can fume over here.

Please send any complaints c/o your mum.

Kate Middleton in Canada...

... and why that's a slightly less pleasant idea than Katie Price in panto is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be appalled by here.

The comments, I imagine, will be wonderful.

Sam Allardyce, football corruption...

... and why he's not the FA's biggest problem is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here and then complain in the comments I'm a girl or some such.

What would I know? ;)

Sam Allardyce, football corruption...

... and why he's not the FA's biggest problem is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here and then complain in the comments I'm a girl or some such.

What would I know? ;)

Zoe Ball splitting up (again) with Fatboy Slim...

... and why it shows we're doing marriage all wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can write BAH HUMBUG underneath here.

Amazing how many people read things they say they don't care about, isn't it?

Jeremy Corbyn, Owen Smith...

... and why the Labour Party leadership doesn't matter a damn if no-one bothers to fight for the people any more is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Note to trolls and cultists: bring it.

The divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...

... and why Jennifer Aniston probably isn't that surprised about it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*laughs triumphantly*

Parenthood, Mr Tumble...

... and how both can drive you insane are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Perhaps Foxcub'll never read it.

Wonga, parliament...

... and whether the two being friendly is a crime or not is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

He's a very naughty boy...

BHS, Volkswagen, and how to do bad public relations...

... is the topic of my guest blog for Alder Communications which you can read here.

I'm afraid there are fewer jokes than normal.

The Great British Bake Off...

... and why Mary Berry might be evil but didn't need fiddling with is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, those laminated cards EXIST.

Hate crime, misogyny...

... and why of COURSE they're the same thing is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Feel free to hold a door open if you see me.

Grammar schools, the closure of Fabric...

... and why this all shows why we need selective education is the topic of today's column in the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

There's even a Keith Vaz joke. You're welcome x

School uniforms, the Gestapo...

... and why they're not QUITE the same thing is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Looking forward to the poll results on this one.

Broken Brexit promises...

... and what'll happen next is the topic of today's first post-holiday column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

With apologies to people who like cats.*

* Not really

The best not very scientific ways of cooling down in the heat...

... are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can not get the joke about here.

Please send your complaints c/o your mum.

Mo Farah, his possible knighthood...

... and why that would be a really bad idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'll bet he doesn't get what he should, but there we go. I tried.

Omran Dasneeq the Syrian boy covered in blood...

.. what we could do about it, and all we're going to do about it, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Happy World Humanitarian Day, everyone.

Johnny Depp, Simon Danczuk...

... and why they're not the problem with domestic abuse is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Caster Semenya, the Rio 2016 Olympics...

... and why none of it's normal and that's fine is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I won't even insist that you can't if you're not normal enough.

The Glorious Twelfth...

... and why it's really very silly indeed is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I'm not suggesting we do it to spaniels. But imagine if we did...

Sexual harassment...

... and how to solve it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, you don't want to get on the wrong side of me.

International Cat Day...

... and why it's the most stupid thing, in a very crowded field, that humans have ever done is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I didn't mention Jeremy Corbyn's cat. But I COULD HAVE.

Jeremy Corbyn, his leadership speech...

... and why he LITERALLY makes no sense at all is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Have a lovely weekend x

The Rio Olympics, the refugee team...

... and why they demonstrate the very best and absolute worst of humanity is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And if anyone here know Nigel, please be sure and pass it on ;-)

David Cameron's resignation honours list...

... and the titles he didn't include are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Apologies to Grayson Perry.

Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump...

... and why the fact she's a woman matters is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Keep your fingers crossed, hey?

Jeremy Corbyn, his Momentum...

... and why he ought to do something to stop it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Judging by the comments you will need to bring your tinfoil hat and leave the sense of humour at home.

The knighthood of Philip Green...

... and why stripping him of it won't change a thing about our dishonours system is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*curtsies*

Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour leadership election...

... and why voting for him will be a vote for Nigel Farage and UKIP is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Bon appetit.

Lance Hart, the Spalding shootings...

... and why family annihilation is no different to any other murder is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Amazing to consider this is the one sort of terrorism we don't seem to mind.

Jeremy Corbyn, the Trident vote...

... and how he's being held hostage by his own party is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, it seems mad to me too.

Boris Johnson's new job as Foreign Secretary...

... and head of MI6 is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

What ho, spiffing, ZING et cetera.

David Cameron's last day on the job...

... and the one thing we'll remember him for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

OINK.

Jeremy Corbyn, Angela Eagle...

... and what they've got in common with Star Wars is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*sings*

Since you'd better go, you'd better go now, go now...

Dallas, Philando Castile, and the Tory leadership contest...

... are the topics of TWO columns today in the Daily Mirror. You lucky people can read about America's gun problem here and the women who might be our next Prime Minister here.

Try not to let either of them spoil your weekend.

Tony Blair, the Chilcot Report...

... and why we already know how it all went wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Be furious.

Nigel Farage, his resignation speech...

... and what he really meant to say is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Enjoy your hole.

How Brexit's broken everything...

... but it doesn't have to break everything is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And now I need a stiff drink. Have a non-extreme weekend.

Jeremy Corbyn and why Jexit...

... is the best thing any of us can hope for in the next few months is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Out, foul spot, out.

The EU referendum result...

... does have a few silver linings, and here they are.
Have a cup of tea and a nice, non-panicky weekend.

What will happen if Britain Brexits the EU...

... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Not making any of it up.

Nigel Farage and how he's winning the EU referendum...

... for the Remain side is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Vote, vote, VOTE.

The death of Jo Cox MP...

... and why we have to take our country back is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Be kind to one another.

Iain Duncan Smith...

... and why he now admits foreigners DON'T claim all our benefits is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And for all our sakes don't forget it.

The Orlando shooting by Omar Mateen...

... and what the rest of the world can do to change the USA's murderous guns and hate culture is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

One year is all it would take.

Euro 2016 and the EU referendum...

... are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Politics and football, which should upset just about everyone on the internet.

D Day and the EU referendum...

... are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror, 72 years after many of our grandads invaded northern Europe, and you can read it here.

And it's too late to change my mind now!

Harambe the gorilla...

... and what he thinks of the humans who shot him is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, he told me.

Harambe the gorilla had to be shot...

... and if you don't believe me read today's column in the Daily Mirror here.

Tell me I'm wrong only if you've given your child to an agitated 28-stone gorilla recently.

Jose Mourinho going to Manchester United...

... and 7 reasons why he's the enemy of football is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be enraged by here.

See if I'm wrong, go on.

1 in 5 couples are completely miserable...

... but won't do anything about it. The cautionary tale of Graham and Samantha is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Follow the smiles x

The EU referendum...

... just got REALLY nasty and you can horrified about it by reading today's Daily Mirror column here.

I apologise for making you think about it.

The Queen's Speech...

... and all the things she didn't say in it are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And as a bonus, there's a second column about what a British bill of rights might look like if we ever got one, which of course we won't. You can read that one here.

As for me, I'm taking the rest of the week off. Enjoy yourselves x

The Queen's royal gaffes...

... and what might have ended up on the palace cameraman's cutting room floor is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Must go, there's six angry Beefeaters at the door.

World War 3, the EU referendum...

... and the question of whether our PM is a genocidal maniac is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Do I build a bunker or not? Decisions, decisions.

Neil Hamilton, the local elections...

... and why we might want to ask ourselves exactly what Wales is up to is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, it's true about the carrots. Just awful.

The local elections of 2016...

... and why not voting would be a really bad idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And I'm sorry about the Tim Farron thing. Honest.

Beyonce, her new album Lemonade...

... and why she's making lemons out of us all is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Can't believe I even needed to say it, but still.

Philip Green, BHS...

... and how many luxury yachts is enough luxury yachts is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'd be happy with just the one, wouldn't you?

Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini Whatever...

... and why you don't want to change your name when you get married is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, whatever you're called, here.

Honestly, it's a right old faff.

Childbirth...

... and why it's worse and better than I imagined is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*retires to her rubber ring*

The Panama Leaks, David Cameron...

... and why it's up to us to find a way to stop bears pooping in the woods is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Because the bears sure as hell aren't going to do it, are they?

Donald Trump, abortion...

... and why he gets to tell me what to do with my uterus on the same day I get to slam his balls in a car door is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, Jesus IS on my side in this one.

America and why its people are so stupid...

... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Unless you're American, in which case you'd probably rather not.

Argentina, the Falkland Islands...

... and why those rocks in the South Atlantic are better off British is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*hums Rule Britannia*

The Brussels terror attacks...

... and why atrocities make us behave atrociously is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm off for some fresh air.

Jamie Oliver, breast feeding...

... and why he ought to wind his neck in and get back to the kitchen is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Please send all neonatal Nazi comments c/o your mum.

Top Gear, Chris Evans...

... and why he might just be even more stupid than Jeremy Clarkson is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Dearie me.

Douglas Adams, the Hitchhiker's Guide and the EU referendum...

... have all been crashed together to make something that looks a bit like today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Remember: 42.

International Women's Day...

... and an open letter to my unborn daughter are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Poor little scrap. Being monetised already.

Prince William, Kate Middleton...

... and why we secretly love a total lack of equality is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I know, I won't be made a dame any time soon. Somehow I think I'll cope.

Iain Duncan Smith's raging hypocrisy...

... and why both sides in the EU referendum are as hateful as each other is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Perhaps Kim will let us move to North Korea.

The reasons why Donald Trump is helping Hillary Clinton...

... and why we should all be so glad he's doing so well after Super Tuesday is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Pip, pip!

If Donald Trump wins Super Tuesday...

... and makes it to the White House, these are the policies he'll be taking with him. I wrote a thing for our new national newspaper The New Day on how The Donald will run the world and you can read it by clicking here.

Then, I suggest, you'll be wanting a bunker of some sort.

Donald Trump really WILL make America great again...

... and I can prove it here, in today's Daily Mirror column.

And it's not even that sarcastic, considering! Have a nice weekend.

Commuters, rush hour...

... and combining the two with pregnancy is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

No really, don't get up. I can see you're busy with your phone.

The EU referendum, Boris Johnson...

... and why it's all funnier than anyone realises is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I'm NOT joking.

David Cameron, the EU...

... and why there are 10 more important and interesting things he should be demanding in treaty negotiations are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

At a guess, I'd say I made only half of it up.

Animal cruelty...

... and why we don't punish it properly or sometimes at all is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

After which, you'll need to cuddle the nearest pet and apologise.

The new James Bond...

... and why, if the world was doing right, it really ought to be Nigel Farage is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You KNOW I'm right.

Jeremy Hunt's war on the NHS...

... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

After which you will need a tin helmet and immunity from disease.

David Cameron's prison reforms...

... and why he perhaps ought to be in one himself is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

While we wait, enjoy the inevitable crime wave he's sending your way.

Baby first aid...

... and the 11 ways your child is going to try to kill itself is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And then have a gin, while you still can.

The House of Lords and why it should be reformed...

... by us, rather than the politicians, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And then we shall just sit and wait for them to offer us ermine, won't we?

The new plus-sized Barbie...

... and why she's a silly idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

So far, I'm the only person who actually bothered to have a Skipper doll.

The Bedroom Tax, Google's tax...

... and why Britain is more corrupt than most people realise is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Then you'll probably want a wash.

Stranded sperm whales and human evolution...

... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

The responses so far seem to be backing the "two new species theory". You have been warned.

The rats of Westminster...

... and the trouble they get up to gnawing through the wires that hold the place together is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

So long as the Men in Black haven't deleted everything, of course.

Sarah Palin, Donald Trump...

... and why they're not the Americans you need to worry about in the presidential race is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, Bigfoot isn't real.

David Cameron's lessons for Muslim mums...

... and why it might actually make new terrorists for us all to enjoy is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Can I suggest you remind yourself to go and vote, next time you get the chance?

The Queen's 90th birthday party...

... and why paying £150 a head to attend is quite reasonable, really, if you see it from her point of view is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll be disinvited if you do, but you'll also have saved yourself £150.

A £33million lottery win...

... and 9 ways to splash all that cash without losing your mind is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, we can all dream!

New alcohol guidelines...

... and why you might as well have a drink rather than follow them are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read, if your're sober enough, here.

And no, I'm not explaining about the Jagermeister.

North Korea's nuclear bomb, Kim Jong Un...

... and why you need to worry more about Donald Trump's hairdresser is the topic of today's thermonuclear Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Don't be scared. Be ANGRY.

New Year resolutions...

... and the only seven that are worth making and keeping are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, unless you've resolved not to, here.

And remember - DO NOT DESPAIR.