Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

Meghan Markle's citizenship test...

What's the best way to respond when someone cuts in front of you in a queue? How do you make a cup of tea? Why would men wear suspenders? These questions and more are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror and if you can't answer them, then you can't marry a prince.

Sorry. End of. Read here.

Monday, 27 November 2017

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's engagement...

"Cheer two happy, crazed optimists all you like; but remember what you're applauding is the addition of fresh meat to keep the most uppity inmate happy in Her Majesty's Prison Buckingham Palace..."

Read on...

Friday, 24 November 2017

North Shields mum Sarah Hall has come in for some stick after asking her son's school to take Sleeping Beauty off the curriculum on the basis it ends with a prince sexually assaulting an unconscious woman.
But fairy stories are morality tales used for millennia to tell children what dangers to look out for. As such, reading Sleeping Beauty to youngsters is a GREAT idea, and should be done by every school in the land as part of mandatory age-appropriate consent classes. 

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Philip Hammond's 2017 budget...

... and why the translation makes more sense than the delivery is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Flying cars. That's all we need.

Monday, 20 November 2017

The Tory housing crisis...

If you repeat something often enough it becomes accepted as fact, and the phrase "housing crisis" has been uttered by politicians of all parties for so long that anyone pointing out there isn't one gets shouted down.
But there isn't a housing crisis. Or at least, not the one you've been told about. Read on...

Friday, 17 November 2017

Mali the dog who won the Dickin Medal...

Mali, now aged 8, had been hauled up the outside of the building before being sent in first to clear rooms and locate booby traps. He's now recovered from his wounds and is helping to train others, and was been awarded the Dickin Medal by the PDSA charity.
And therein lies the problem - the dog who went in first, who took the greatest risk and was injured the worse, was recognised by a charity. His human handler got a Military Cross and was recognised by Queen and country. Read on...

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Brexit and what it's done to democracy...

Brexit is, whoever you ask, a bloody mess.
The Tories are chewing their own entrails, Labour are running around like headless chickens, the Lib Dems are just flapping their hands about and the rest of us - Leave or Remain - have zero faith in any of it.
But there's one marvellous thing that's changed... Read on

Monday, 13 November 2017

Boris Johnson's dad on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...

Put yourself, for a moment, in Boris Johnson's shoes.


All right, they're clown shoes and, okay, they're both so deeply embedded in your mouth you can twiddle your toes in stomach acid. But aside from bipedal indigestion, how do you feel? Read on...

Friday, 10 November 2017

The 2017 John Lewis Christmas ad...

"Let's get one thing straight - Christmas has nothing to do with Christ. It's an historic bacchanalia to celebrate life itself and was nicked in its entirety by the early church to justify a resurrection myth common to almost every religion on Earth, and at the same time piggybacking itself into cultures already open to the idea of a mid-winter piss-up.
"So to every sad-sack scriptural pedant complaining the John Lewis Christmas advert features no Jesus, no choir, and no Cap'n Bird's Eye floating in the sky I say..." Read on...

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Who runs Britain...

"I don't want to worry you, but there's nobody running the country.

"The politicians aren't doing it. The billionaires aren't doing it. We've asked the EU to stop doing it and USA couldn't run a bath..."
Click here to read on...

Friday, 3 November 2017

Bonfire Night and fireworks injuries...

... and why setting off explosives in your back garden makes you a SCREAMING MORON is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Just. Stop. Doing. It.