Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Friday, 23 February 2018

It is easy to predict who will conduct the next USA school shooting. It will, in all likelihood, be a white, friendless male from a dysfunctional family, who has acquired weapons and let it be publicly known he plans to use them.
He will be a collector of perceived injustices, and inspired by previous shootings. He will have a mental disorder and a tendency to blame others. He will chase headlines and see notoriety as a vindication. And his name will be Donald Trump. Read on...

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

The Terrible KFC Crisis of 2018...

... and why it's not the worst thing happening in your world today is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And as if I should have to point it out, you do not ring the police to report a lack of bargain buckets.

Monday, 19 February 2018

Kate Middleton at the BAFTAs...

... and why her wearing a black ribbon was the best that she could do is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Honestly, I could weep.

Friday, 16 February 2018

If there's one bit of advanced age I am looking forward to, it is the ability to consider complex near-impossibilities with a breezy, rose-tinted and conveniently-forgetful certainty.
"Ah, well, there used to be unicorns running free when Morten Harket was alive," I'll tell my grandchildren, shortly before launching into CRY WOOOOLF, AHAAA-AAA and moving on to reminisce about ghetto blasters and the Betamax War.
So let us not be too harsh with granny and gramps when they harumph about the young today and 74% of them demand a return to conscription. Read on...

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Boris Johnson's shocking betrayal of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe

It's fitting that Boris Johnson chose Valentine's Day to set out his dream of Brexit. His record of lies and unwilling apologies aside, there could be no better time for him to demonstrate just how much the blond bombshell loves himself.
He's not going to tell you during this dimly-lit seduction there's another woman. One whose hair is falling out, one separated from her child, one enduring torture as he treats you to a wink with a rose between his teeth. Read on...

Friday, 9 February 2018

The Tory away day to work out what Brexit means...

It is perhaps no surprise that after more than 40 years of unresolved ruckus about the EU the Cabinet was unable to come to any conclusions about Brexit during the four hours of debate Theresa May had pencilled in this week for a decision. That's barely enough time for Boris to deliver a soliloquy.
So she's packed them on a bus and driven them to the Chilterns in the hope that, in a final push not unlike that which finally did for Elvis, her top team can reach an agreement on, well, anything. Read on...

Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Theresa May's career is about to expire...

When the leader of a country is forced to deny reports that they are a tortoise, it is safe to assume they are no longer being taken seriously.
Yesterday Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, also had to deny she was a car, a bird, a quitter or that she still had literally no idea what Brexit meant. Read on...

Thursday, 25 January 2018

Piers Morgan's interview with Donald Trump in Davos...

... and how it might go is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Sadly, it's probably not that far off.

Wednesday, 24 January 2018

The Presidents Club scandal...

If there's one truly surprising thing about the Presidents Club dinner, it's not that a few mega-rich middle-aged men behaved like Donald Trump on a bender in Vegas.
It's that despite the free-flowing booze, the charity auction for plastic surgery to "spice up your wife", and the chance to ply naive young women with booze while putting a hand up their skirt, so MANY men left early... Read on

Friday, 19 January 2018

The Boris Bridge and how it would actually work...

So what Boris is ACTUALLY suggesting is grinding the White Cliffs into cement, filling the Channel Tunnel with concrete, using that as the foundation for a bridge twice as high as Nelson's Column with another 2 or 3 Nelson's Columns below the waves, and binning off a shipping industry worth £14bn in turnover and £2bn in tax revenues in return for a bridge that would, in all likelihood, make any country go bust.

Read on...

Wednesday, 17 January 2018

The Bayeux Tapestry is on loan to Britain...

... and perhaps its message might just be able to reverse Brexit. So what might these 7 other great works of European art be able to achieve? Read on...

Monday, 15 January 2018

The real reasons for the collapse of Carillion...

Carillion failed after the Tories repeatedly ignored the warnings - and every step the Government took to pretend it wasn't happening can be found in today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

Clowns, the lot of them.

Friday, 12 January 2018

Theresa May's grand environmental plan...

... and why it's bats*** is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I only wish it was a joke.

Wednesday, 10 January 2018

David Davis and the Brexit negotiations...

Welcome to a bright and shiny New Year! New hope! New starts! New and interesting ways in which enemies of the people are treasonously derailing Brexit!
I wish I were talking about the Labour Party, but no. It appears the Tories are greeting 2018 by redoubling their electorally suicidal efforts to enforce Brexit by screwing it sideways. Read on...

Monday, 8 January 2018

Theresa May's first cabinet reshuffle...

... and the inside story of just how bad it could be is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*sighs resignedly*

Friday, 5 January 2018

Rapist John Worboys was released from prison...

... and it wasn't because of Keir Starmer, no matter how much you hate him or Labour or his work as Shadow Brexit Secretary.

The people who ARE to blame can be discovered by reading today's Daily Mirror column which you can find here.

Thursday, 21 December 2017

Damian Green's resignation...

... and the unanswered questions he has left behind him are the topic of today's, and this year's final, column for the Daily Mirror which as usual you can read by enclicking here.

Have a peaceful Christmas and a happy New Year, folks! See you on the other side.

Monday, 18 December 2017

My Christmas survival guide...

... and the 7 things you need to know to stay sane are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And trust me on the Yorkshires. They're lovely, but not with Christmas dinner, and they take up too much stomach room.

Friday, 15 December 2017

Meghan Markle's Christmas at Sandringham...

Picture the scene: the drawing room at Sandringham, a new group of eccentric in-laws, and an unwelcome, broiling heat in your lower intestine.
Because this year Meghan's digestive tract will be introduced to Brussels sprouts, and my oh my but is she going to parp. Read on...

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Theresa May's inquiry into Damian Green and Mark Garnier...

The best thing about a woman in power should be that power stops being used to abuse women.
So it's a damned shame that Theresa May sees no reason to fulfil the reasonable expectations of the 52% of voters who thought she'd make a difference... Read on