Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Not news.

HELLO, and here is a round-up of today's news from approved newspapers.

* The war in Afghanistan is going well, with Taliban insurgents being killed alongside young children who were being inducted into their evil regime. American troops are seen rescuing a duck from a well, which they have christened 'Mustafa' as part of their hearts-and-minds campaign. A budget analysis of the billions spent so far show all soldiers have had adequate kit and equipment, but public sector-supplied spanners have rocketed to £500-a-pop and the Defence Secretary is threatening to seek new spanners from private suppliers he is friends with.

* A girl has gone missing. We can't tell you anything else.

* A man has been arrested and held for questioning for three days over murdered Bristol architect Joanna Yeates, police said at a press conference. Detectives were unwilling to comment on why they later released him without charge, but thanks to the police everyone knows who it was.

* Journalists repeating unsubstantiated claims that the 1989 Hillsborough disaster was a cover-up orchestrated by senior police officers have been jailed. Calls for an independent inquiry by relatives of the dead were described as "baseless" and "grossly defamatory" by civil servants from regulator Ofpress, who gave evidence against the journalists.

* A man was arrested outside Scotland Yard during an unauthorised protest in which he alleged the Met Police were institutionally racist. The man, who was black, racially abused white officers involved with the Stephen Lawrence and Damilola Taylor murder inquiries, which have never been resolved. He was sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

* There is no news about phone-hacking, which doesn't exist.

* A statue was unveiled today to the late Sir Jimmy Savile, who was smeared after his death as a paedophile. The majority of false allegations were reported in the tabloid press, which caused 300 people to be charged with wasting police time. The statue was unveiled by Jonathan King, the pop impresario, who said he was glad never to have experienced the slurs of "child abuse fantasists and journalists".

* Pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge topless on holiday have been printed, as is possible in all countries with a state-regulated media.

* Dean Gaffney has become a brand. We're very sorry about this, there's nothing we can do.

* A very rich man today won a big-money libel action at the High Court in London. Lord Dibdob says he was devastated at allegations he shot foxes on his country estate, and will separately sue animal rights campaigners for invasion of his privacy, trespass, and illegal journalism for videoing him without his permission. Lord Dibdob said the 17 foxes he was seen firing at over six hours while drinking brandy as they were tethered above his ha-ha were put down on the medical advice of his nanny.

* A separate attempt by animal rights campaigners to sue Lord Dibdob has failed to raise any public funds to pay for a court action and has been shelved. Calls for Legal Aid to be introduced for defamation actions were rejected by government ministers, who said poor people don't matter.

* Members of Parliament have voted for a new expenses and payment regime which evens out unfairness in the system. The new regime, hailed as more transparent and open than ever before, means all MPs will be paid an undisclosed seven-figure salary enabling them to live in a five-bedroom apartment within a mile of Westminster, complete with staff, furniture and food. There is an improved pension package too after a number of MPs barricaded themselves in the Commons bar and demanded better terms and conditions.

* Moves are afoot to make the internet illegal. Computer and smartphone sales dropped off after new laws were introduced demanding everyone with internet access consult a lawyer first, but judges say a "determined underclass" persist in surfing the "blackmarket net" with unapproved information disseminated among young people with devastating consequences, leading to depression, alcoholism, and underground journalism which can be highly addictive.

* And finally, Hugh Grant has been publicising his new film 'OH CRIKEY' in which he plays a new father who tries to make the world a perfect place, with unintentionally hilarious consequences. In one scene his character tries to gag and blindfold everyone in Britain in case they swear. "It's what any reasonable person would do," he laughed.

And that's today's approved news. If you want unapproved news, we can't help you!

Sleep well.


15 comments:

Bercher said...

Yes, a grain of truth in this Foxy.

Richard said...

Good to see you're not taking a view til Leveson's report is published.

The Savile story was broken by state-regulated ITV - not the self-regulated newspapers. But you know that.

Keep up the good work!

Foxy said...

Broken by TV, but significantly substantiated by tabloids who reported dozens more cases.

It was odd all those extra people who came forward didn't ring the state-regulated TV stations, isn't it?

Duncan said...

I can't believe that Leveson went ahead and advised the setting up of government sponsored gulags for journalists who write stories that displease them.

Oh wait, no, the other one. A perfectly reasonable recommendation that any regulating body doesn't have, say, the editor of one of the newspapers, as a member of said body.

Although, to be honest, I get the impression that some journalists would have been annoyed with any outcome that wasn't, 'leave us the hell alone'

Chris Jeffries is still waiting for his apology from many members of this self-regulated utopia, BTW.

roym said...

Wow, you read those 2000 pages quickly.

This post just underlines what the Tabs exist for. Hysteria and hyperbole.

tried commenting yesterday but that didnt pass muster (censorship?). Still want to know why some of the press think it is totally ok to trash innocent lives (civvies not celebs) with limited recourse for those who have been wronged.

Anonymous said...

Tits, that's what I want to see. Tits, and lots of 'em too. Now the press has been granted its freedom, get to it, Foxy. Tits. Lots of 'em.

blackwatertown said...

Good one about Mustafa the duck. Whenever pictures of a gallant dog with soldiers appears in the papers, you know the military is up to something.

Supersub said...

This is stunningly childish and I can just hear your toys hitting the floor as you throw them out of your pram. Not a single word of what Leveson says leads to any of this; only if a totalitarian regime were to use Leveson (an independent inquiry) as an excuse to step on the media would this happen, and instead we have a craven prime minister who is too scared to admit that the press has done anything wrong! Please treat this issue as a grown-up instead of trying to be clever. Your post is a waste of words.

Foxy said...

It's a JOKE!

Anonymous said...

I feel real sadness reading this. I so enjoy your writing and you so often hit the nail right on the head. It's a shame that on this subject you seem so blinkered.

Through this whole debate one important point keeps getting forgotten. Freedom, whether related to speech, expression or action, is NOT a default position. It is not something that materialises without intervention. It sometime requires significant intervention and that's because we can't all have freedom until we are effectively and vigouressly defended against those who would wish to deny us ourfreedom.
Freedom of speech is best served when the least able to defend themselves from censure are afforded the greatest protection.

The Bunnyrunner said...

Yes, it is a joke but not very funny. Keep up the mostly good work.

Zil said...

You exagerrate for effect, but there's not much sympathy out there

Anonymous said...

I don't care that some so called "famous" people had their phones hacked. I don't care that some celebrity who only got famous by whoring themselves publicly had their bins ransacked. I honestly couldn't give a damn.

Nothing ever printed about a celebrity is news unless they either messed with kids, or killed anyone. Rest of it, couldn't honestly care.

The Sun is a rag, always was, always will be. Nobody takes it seriously. If anyone gleams any sort of opinion from any of the tabloid papers, then they are the ones who should be regulated, nay, drowned at birth.

As for this whole enquiry, we all know that regardless of what is right and what is needed, the leeches in power, whatever their political allegiance, will do whatever necessary to ensure it's jobs for them and their boys. They've been censoring the press for years by colluding with them anyway.

So keep on buying rags that aren't fit to line a rabbit hutch, keep on electing cancerous turds into power and keep on deluding yourselves that there is any sort of freedom any way.

The sooner the apocalypse is on us, the better.

Anonymous said...

Well there's me educated by the great and free press - I thought a joke was supposed to pertain to humour or satire. That is the trouble when you are unregulated and answer to nobody - do what you want and expect the rest of us to accept it. You also forgot to add one story: Journalist exaggerates to emphasise own viewpoint. I mean, that really is 'Not news'.

Best you keep to comment and informing us unenlightened plebs what we need to know Foxy - here is to hoping your next post is back to your normal standard and you you revert to being provocative and maybe even illuminating, nuanced and actually making a point.

Malcolm Bradbrook said...

State regulation won't change that. It'll actually change very little. All this hysteria helps no-one.

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