Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Hark! The first cuckoo of spring.

BLESS Vicky Beckham.

While posing in her grundies for Harper's Bazaar she's revealed that she refuses to use stick-thin models while making her very expensive clothes, because they're nothing like real women.

She said: "We always joke that we have this fabulously gorgeous 17-year-old model who is six-foot-whatever and I say, 'OK, I'm going to put it on - I stand for the general public here'.

"It's how I work. I found it really difficult when I was pregnant and I couldn't do that. It's part of the process. I'll stand here in my knickers and start draping fabric over myself."

Aside from the mental image of a WAG stood there in nothing but £400 pants planning her own fashion range and insisting it's normal, there's a teeny tiny problem with what Vicky has to say.

And that is the pictures which go alongside it.

For some reason she has only one armpit. One arm has been dislocated, and the other's had 90% of the normal muscle tissue shaved off.

Added to that there is something quite disconcerting in her pants where I'm not sure it should be.

Because if I - or, I imagine, most 'normal' women - posed for such a picture it would be markedly different in the following ways:


Don't get me wrong - I quite like Vicky Beckham from Hertfordshire, because I think she adds to the gaiety of the nation in a thousand different ways. I wouldn't be seen dead in some of her dresses and I'd sell a kidney to get my hands on some of the others. She and her husband appear to have a remarkably strong and happy marriage, considering the scandals it has weathered.

But she doesn't represent the general public, and she doesn't represent me. I doubt she could sit in the same room as a pasty, much less eat one and even if she did she'd not care whether she had to pay VAT on it or not.

In interviews and even off-the-record she can seem pleasingly ordinary, but however much of her bunioned feet she keeps on the ground - and the bunions are about the only thing she and I share - she lives  on a different planet.

It's called Cloud Cuckoo Land. Lucky cow.

Some things you can't airbrush.

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