For some years now I've been obsessed with the idea of homosexual sex. I have always thought relationships between people of the same gender were grotesque, that they are not only unnatural but also leading to the breakdown of civil society and the family unit which is the bedrock of so many cultures around the world.
I have a strong personal faith about the way I live my life, and think everyone else should believe the same as me, because I read about it in an old book. So I was horrified to learn that politicians in charge of this country are doing things I don't agree with, and weren't written about in that book - they want to allow people of the gay persuasion to get married as though they were normal human beings!
This made me so angry I have written a letter to every church in the country to be read out this Sunday, even though hardly anyone seems to agree with me. My question is, if I am thinking about gays all the time, does that mean they have infected me with their gayness?
The Archbishop of Westminster
You're certainly confused about sex, not least in the belief that homosexuality is a virus of some kind. Gay marriage has been legalised in Norway, Sweden, Portugal, the Netherlands, Belgium and Spain, and these nations have not descended into an orgy of indiscriminate bumming nor been visited by the holy wrath of an angry Almighty. Perhaps you ought to read more than just the one book? I am sending you a library card.
I'm a bit of an old git these days but the modern habit of taking mobile phone pictures of everything is really starting to grate. It didn't use to happen when I was younger. It feels like I can't step outside the front door of my multi-million pound mansion without someone telling me they love me and asking for a picture. I'm all right with the love bit, but the picture feels intrusive. Thank God I found a natural looking hair dye! My wife says I'm just being grumpy; is she right?
Sir Paul McCartney
Look at this way. If every time a fan asked for picture they paid you £100 for the remastered versions of The Beatles' 12 studio albums, would you say yes? Right then, stop whining. I am sending you my leaflet 'Old Men Can't Wear Trainers'.
I've spent the last few years building a career in television based on being a likeable working class personality who's nice but charmingly dim, only not quite as chavvy as Jade Goody or screwed up like Kerry Katona. It all seemed to be going well until someone took a picture of me smoking while heavily pregnant. My agent's been screaming at me all day and I apologised to everyone concerned, but apparently I've upset Iceland. Now I'm worried we'll have to go to war in the North Atlantic. Mrs Thatcher's going to kill me! Help!
You're so thick I can't believe anyone let you near a naked flame. Look, lots of people smoke. Some people do it while they're pregnant. They all know they shouldn't, but they do it because they don't really want to stop. Play the 'I'm only human' card and it'll blow over; perhaps have a little public weep as well? But you have to learn that when you make cash out of being the nation's favourite mum you can't also be seen depriving your unborn child of oxygen and nutrients. Call 0591 948 3939 (premium rates apply) for my advice line on 'Geopolitics and Defensive Strategy'.
Dear Foxy,Did you get your pension? Then flip the middle finger. People are surprisingly stupid.
Six months ago I left my job under a cloud. Yesterday I had to go to a tribunal to explain all the circumstances that led up to it and think I managed to successfully shift the blame onto everyone else. I'm a bit worried though because I told them I felt I had to resign even though I had done nothing wrong; surely they won't be daft enough to believe this?
Sir Paul Stephenson, Metropolitan Police Commissioner (ret'd)
Now if you'll excuse me, I have the pub to attend.