Kate Middleton in Canada...

... and why that's a slightly less pleasant idea than Katie Price in panto is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be appalled by here.

The comments, I imagine, will be wonderful.

Sam Allardyce, football corruption...

... and why he's not the FA's biggest problem is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here and then complain in the comments I'm a girl or some such.

What would I know? ;)

Sam Allardyce, football corruption...

... and why he's not the FA's biggest problem is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here and then complain in the comments I'm a girl or some such.

What would I know? ;)

Zoe Ball splitting up (again) with Fatboy Slim...

... and why it shows we're doing marriage all wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can write BAH HUMBUG underneath here.

Amazing how many people read things they say they don't care about, isn't it?

Jeremy Corbyn, Owen Smith...

... and why the Labour Party leadership doesn't matter a damn if no-one bothers to fight for the people any more is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Note to trolls and cultists: bring it.

The divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...

... and why Jennifer Aniston probably isn't that surprised about it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

*laughs triumphantly*

Parenthood, Mr Tumble...

... and how both can drive you insane are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Perhaps Foxcub'll never read it.

Wonga, parliament...

... and whether the two being friendly is a crime or not is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

He's a very naughty boy...

BHS, Volkswagen, and how to do bad public relations...

... is the topic of my guest blog for Alder Communications which you can read here.

I'm afraid there are fewer jokes than normal.

The Great British Bake Off...

... and why Mary Berry might be evil but didn't need fiddling with is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, those laminated cards EXIST.

Hate crime, misogyny...

... and why of COURSE they're the same thing is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Feel free to hold a door open if you see me.

Grammar schools, the closure of Fabric...

... and why this all shows why we need selective education is the topic of today's column in the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

There's even a Keith Vaz joke. You're welcome x

School uniforms, the Gestapo...

... and why they're not QUITE the same thing is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Looking forward to the poll results on this one.

Broken Brexit promises...

... and what'll happen next is the topic of today's first post-holiday column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

With apologies to people who like cats.*

* Not really

The best not very scientific ways of cooling down in the heat...

... are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can not get the joke about here.

Please send your complaints c/o your mum.

Mo Farah, his possible knighthood...

... and why that would be a really bad idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'll bet he doesn't get what he should, but there we go. I tried.

Omran Dasneeq the Syrian boy covered in blood...

.. what we could do about it, and all we're going to do about it, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Happy World Humanitarian Day, everyone.

Johnny Depp, Simon Danczuk...

... and why they're not the problem with domestic abuse is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Caster Semenya, the Rio 2016 Olympics...

... and why none of it's normal and that's fine is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I won't even insist that you can't if you're not normal enough.

The Glorious Twelfth...

... and why it's really very silly indeed is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I'm not suggesting we do it to spaniels. But imagine if we did...