Sadiq Khan, the knife crime 'epidemic'...

... and why you're still not being told the whole truth about it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which offends just about everyone I could think of and can be read here.

And I really mean it about the CVs.

The Easter story and the Easter bunny and Easter eggs...

... are all linked, in a way the Archbishop of Canterbury may not entirely approve of, to a tingle in your trousers.

Read and learn why chocolate, and eggs, and getting down to it are all A VERY GOOD IDEA in today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Purple Day and epilepsy...

... and why this is NOT just something odd that happens to other people is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Steady as you go, now.

Ant McPartlin's possible replacements on Saturday Night Takeaway...

... and trust me when I tell you that some of these probably really ARE being considered by ITV, are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I reckon it'll be a mix of those final three.

Donald Trump's summit with Kim Jong-un...

... and why it probably won't occur, but what would happen if it did, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

In short: manbabies.

The poisoning of Sergei Skripal...

Britain has an international reputation for tolerance. That's why so many Russian murders happen here.

Murders of Russians, murders of Brits, murders of spies and bankers and property tycoons. And now the life-threatening poisoning of former spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia. There have been so many mysterious deaths of those linked to Vladimir Putin or his enemies that the question is not who's behind it, but why it keeps happening. Read more...

The Spice Girls performing at Harry and Meghan's wedding...

... and why there's more to this than meets the eye is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Spice Up One's Wife, etc.

It is easy to predict who will conduct the next USA school shooting. It will, in all likelihood, be a white, friendless male from a dysfunctional family, who has acquired weapons and let it be publicly known he plans to use them.

He will be a collector of perceived injustices, and inspired by previous shootings. He will have a mental disorder and a tendency to blame others. He will chase headlines and see notoriety as a vindication. And his name will be Donald Trump. Read on...

The Terrible KFC Crisis of 2018...

... and why it's not the worst thing happening in your world today is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And as if I should have to point it out, you do not ring the police to report a lack of bargain buckets.

Kate Middleton at the BAFTAs...

... and why her wearing a black ribbon was the best that she could do is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Honestly, I could weep.

If there's one bit of advanced age I am looking forward to, it is the ability to consider complex near-impossibilities with a breezy, rose-tinted and conveniently-forgetful certainty.

"Ah, well, there used to be unicorns running free when Morten Harket was alive," I'll tell my grandchildren, shortly before launching into CRY WOOOOLF, AHAAA-AAA and moving on to reminisce about ghetto blasters and the Betamax War.

So let us not be too harsh with granny and gramps when they harumph about the young today and 74% of them demand a return to conscription. Read on...

Boris Johnson's shocking betrayal of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe

It's fitting that Boris Johnson chose Valentine's Day to set out his dream of Brexit. His record of lies and unwilling apologies aside, there could be no better time for him to demonstrate just how much the blond bombshell loves himself.

He's not going to tell you during this dimly-lit seduction there's another woman. One whose hair is falling out, one separated from her child, one enduring torture as he treats you to a wink with a rose between his teeth. Read on...

The Tory away day to work out what Brexit means...

It is perhaps no surprise that after more than 40 years of unresolved ruckus about the EU the Cabinet was unable to come to any conclusions about Brexit during the four hours of debate Theresa May had pencilled in this week for a decision. That's barely enough time for Boris to deliver a soliloquy.

So she's packed them on a bus and driven them to the Chilterns in the hope that, in a final push not unlike that which finally did for Elvis, her top team can reach an agreement on, well, anything. Read on...

Theresa May's career is about to expire...

When the leader of a country is forced to deny reports that they are a tortoise, it is safe to assume they are no longer being taken seriously.

Yesterday Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, also had to deny she was a car, a bird, a quitter or that she still had literally no idea what Brexit meant. Read on...

Piers Morgan's interview with Donald Trump in Davos...

... and how it might go is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Sadly, it's probably not that far off.

The Presidents Club scandal...

If there's one truly surprising thing about the Presidents Club dinner, it's not that a few mega-rich middle-aged men behaved like Donald Trump on a bender in Vegas.

It's that despite the free-flowing booze, the charity auction for plastic surgery to "spice up your wife", and the chance to ply naive young women with booze while putting a hand up their skirt, so MANY men left early... Read on

The Boris Bridge and how it would actually work...

So what Boris is ACTUALLY suggesting is grinding the White Cliffs into cement, filling the Channel Tunnel with concrete, using that as the foundation for a bridge twice as high as Nelson's Column with another 2 or 3 Nelson's Columns below the waves, and binning off a shipping industry worth £14bn in turnover and £2bn in tax revenues in return for a bridge that would, in all likelihood, make any country go bust.

Read on...

The Bayeux Tapestry is on loan to Britain...

... and perhaps its message might just be able to reverse Brexit. So what might these 7 other great works of European art be able to achieve? Read on...

The real reasons for the collapse of Carillion...

Carillion failed after the Tories repeatedly ignored the warnings - and every step the Government took to pretend it wasn't happening can be found in today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

Clowns, the lot of them.

Theresa May's grand environmental plan...

... and why it's bats*** is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I only wish it was a joke.