Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Live and let lie.

MAN dies in mysterious circumstances.

He is found inside a bag he could not possibly have padlocked himself.

A third party's DNA is found on the padlock.

And the dead man is a spy, a highly intelligent man specialising in designing computer programmes to trawl the world's communication networks looking for terrorists.

It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, does it?

Yet apparently Britain's spymasters didn't notice when James Bond disappeared for a week, and even when his sister phoned up to tell them he was missing they didn't bother popping round to his flat for several hours, at which point they dispatched a couple of policemen who discovered his remains.

There are two possibilities here. Either the British security services were fully aware of foul play and wanted some time to cover it up - to remove DNA and incriminating evidence from the flat - or they're total numpties.

The thought of our spooks being incredibly stupid is not a comforting one. No wonder Osama bin Laden managed to outwit them using some pay-as-you-go phones, an old PC and a Speak-and-Spell.


Gareth's inquest is still ongoing but there's a lot of attention to the detail of wigs, shoes, and his sexuality and not much talk about the bigger picture.

A SPY GOT DEAD AND MI6 DIDN'T NOTICE.

"Hello? Is that Q? M here."

"Ah, M, hello, I've just been working on this amazing invisible stealth exploding Biro I think you'll like..."

"Yes, yes. Look, have you heard from Bond?"

"007? Oh, he was here last week picking up my latest rocket-propelled Savile Row suit. But no, not heard from him since then."

"Really? We can't raise him on the phone and he's missed an important meeting with an incredibly beautiful Russian double-agent."

"Oh."

"Yes. Oh well, I expect he'll turn up soon. G&T later?"

"Why not. Bye."

You see? Not exactly encouraging, is it?

And these are the security services we're relying on to stop us being exploded in our beds, to make sure planes don't fly into the Tower of London, and to swoop in and arrest the bad guys at the 11th hour.

Until the inquest is over it's not for me to say what happened, beyond passing the observation that dead bodies often get moved in bags by people who don't want them to be found, and that such things usually happen when there's foul play.

But you'll excuse me for thinking that the people keeping us safe are either miscreants or pillocks, and therefore the best thing to do might be to climb inside a padlocked rubber bag and not come out until there's no more pasty tax, granny tax, recession, u-turns, floods, droughts or Danny Alexander.

Have they gone yet?

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good post.
Why should Britain tremble? I think you just answered that question.

Anonymous said...

Please, don't call this man a spy, he was no such thing. Ultimately he was a computer programmer working for MI6, no way comparable to a James Bond type figure. Also he once tied himself to a bed and got stuck so had to shout for help, that doesn't sound like the actions of a 'highly intelligent' man really.

Anonymous said...

Whatever the truth is, we're not hearing it.

JD said...

Controversial!

But me likey.

pirate said...

Locking the bag from the inside could have been possible. SO that raises the third possibility that MI6 is staffed with weird nutters....
The question of why in the bath? Well it would make getting out more difficult because you cannot roll over but it would also stop him leaking through the floor, but the 1 week wouldn't lead to very bad decomposition.
I find it very strange that his seemingly very posh landlady claims to have found him tied to a bed, how did he manage that. I'd like to know more about this landlady and her GCHQ clearance, especially as she had a key.

tonetalk said...

It's the most bizarre case isn't it? The coverage I've seen is trying to paint the poor chap as a sexual deviant or someone who thought himself the next Houdini. The inquest will probably come back with a death by misadventure verdict and I doubt the truth will be made public anytime soon.

Anonymous said...

I am not buying the convenient 'landlady' story, nor the book on suicide, nor the press-cutting neatly left on the table about things you regret at point of death (or whatever rubbish it was), nor the 'girlfriend' who 'knew' he was not gay or a trannie. If you put all of these devices in a novel your editor would tell you it's too far-fetched! And FSFox you are right - inconceivable his unexplained absence would not have been investigated earlier - he'd just got back from his holidays so even in the most mundane office not turning up for work would be 'noticed'.

jaljen said...

A clear case of suicide. NOT.
How moronic do the authorities think we are?

Clearly something rotten in the state of.....not Denmark anyway.

Jason Hunt said...

@Pirate "weird nutters" employed by MI6? Who'd have thought it! Honestly though it must take a certain type of individual, and it must be f'ing dangerous too!

Anonymous said...

Oh Foxy - you have us all shaken and stirred ...

Max Mosley said...

So he liked a bit of bondage?

Fair play.

about us said...

Can you and the rest of the media stop referring to him as a spy, if he was a genuine operative this soap opera would not be in the public domain. You may feel our services are staffed with miscreants or pillocks and you are entitled to your opinion, which I do like to read, however you have zero knowledge of the inner workings of the agencies which you criticise and the problems and people they are up against every day. If a fraction of what goes on was in the public domain, there would be widespread panic.

@G_LegalPR said...

Oooooo TOUCHY!

pirate said...

@Jason Hunt Most of what MI6 do is very very boring and not at all dangerous.

Anonymous said...

We have zero knowledge of the inner workings of MI5/6? Well d'oh ...

But there is a two-tier system; spy = you care about if they die, non-spy =whatever.

Good luck with recruiting a replacement!

Anonymous said...

kinky sex game that went wrong ,a massive cover up at its best..his girlfriend claims the 20k of dresses could have been a present for her..so what about the wig that was found ...was that for her as well?
why hasnt the wig been tested for DNA....just to rule out if it was hers,his or a third parties...
too many loose ends , and we all know that mi6 went in and did a complete wipe down of all the evidence
i thought the yanks were bad at this kind of bullshit....but it appears our secret services are just the same

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