Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Please. Just. Stop.

IT'S only the end of January and already we are awash with candidates for the newly-minted Shut Up And Go Away Award.

This prestigious accolade has just been invented by me as way of justifying the list I have started to keep of people who are not simply annoying but also actively lower the human race's average IQ every time they open their mouths. Largely because a list is more acceptable than sticking my fingers in my ears and saying 'LA LA LA LA LA LA' every time I turn on the telly or open a newspaper.

While social media gives us the ability - and thank heaven for it - to block, ignore, defriend, report or otherwise get rid of those who irritate us with their constant baby updates, idiotic chirrups or world-class unpleasantness, evolution has so far failed to provide the universal 'dislike' button on people's foreheads which would improve all of our lives no end.

It would cut the murder rate, end the need for ASBOs, and mean none of us have to hear from the former Duchess of York ever again.

But while we wait for our genes to catch up with modern social mores the next best thing is what I am going to call the Shugway, which sounds a lot like what I tell ex-boyfriends when they start lurking nearby at closing time.

The current list of nominees for January is:

* Denise Welch. For everything.

* Keira Knightley. For promoting a film of a love affair that never happened by pretending it's all about the art, while pictured in her knickers, when people are only interested in her being spanked. This one may also be nominated in the Get Over Yourself category.

* The entire House of Commons. For resolutely failing to do anything useful.

* Frankie Cocozza. For the hair.

* Robert Peston. For not being able to communicate properly.

* Lara Pulver. For going naked in Sherlock Holmes when the role didn't demand it while claiming it was "empowering".

* Mark Wright. For being a vortex of pointlessness.

Frankly if I never saw hide nor hair of any of these people again my life and general outlook would be massively improved. I don't want anything awful to happen to any of them, I just want them to shut up, and go away.

So who are your nominees? Am I being unreasonable? Cast your votes.

Yes it's a slow news day. What of it?