Defence Secretary Phil 'Big Dick' Hammond said that despite sacking 7,100 service personnel in the past year the UK could still be in charge of the whole planet.
Mr Hammond said the nation had a "contingent capability" to provide more troops, with staff working around the clock.
He said: "The Chief of Defence Staff has folded up some paper and cut some shapes in it so when you unfold it there's loads of men. Our top Admiral is making some boats out of The Wellygraph and the Air Vice Marshal is going to be colouring it all in. We have the best-trained military in the world!"
On Sunday one of the Royal Navy's few remaining warships, HMS Argyll, sailed through the Strait of Hormuz with all crew ordered to frown heavily in the direction of Tehran. It will continue to sail up and down the vital waterway in the shadow of a MAHOOSIVE American aircraft carrier which doesn't even know it's there for as long as reporters are interested.
Other warships are in the area on operations and can be ordered to join Argyll if the situation escalates, said Mr Hammond, who was speaking via the rubber ducky in his bath.
He said: "We firmly believe in strong measures to illustrate how peeved we are that Iran might be developing a nuclear QUACK bomb. Just because we lost £5bn of military equipment in Afghanistan, including 4,100 radios and a £50,000 set of helicopter blades, does not mean that we are QUACK incompetent idiots. We do not need actual real personnel or actual real equipment, because we are QUACK British and it is well-known this makes us victorious at everyQUACKthing."
Foreign Secretary William Ehhhhhhh Hague struck a more cautious note, urging hardline Iranian President Irma Dinnerjacket to comply with EU oil sanctions, keep the Strait of Hormuz open and respond to concerns of the International Atomic Energy Authority.
He said: "This is not a set of actions designed to lead to any conflict but to lead us away from conflict, because if we had a fight we'd be absolutely battered, like we'd had 14 pints or something. I once had 14 pints. Happy days. We could send an aircraft carrier, or some Harrier jets, and really put the wind up Mr Dinnerjacket, but we haven't got any so instead we'd like him just to turn it down a notch and think of the neighbours."
Last night in a sustained tirade on Iranian state TV Mr Dinnerjacket was seen rolling about on the floor and holding his sides laughing for a solid twenty minutes before wiping his eyes and addressing his people.
He said: "Ha ha, you crazy infidels. You make me giggle. You lose all your money and no-one listens to you and you still think we should be frightened of you. Even our dogs disdain you! You are rubbish at everything except making helicopter blades, these ones I have here are great and very shiny, but man these radios are shit. I keep getting something called The Archers, which is vile Western running-dog Zionist propaganda about the oppression of the Grundys. I am wise to this. You also very good at making nuclear bombs, which you stupidly put on internet. We have built bomb with Google and there is NOTHING you can do. Sail your little ships around if you like, even your stiffy lips can't save you now!"
"I point warheads at Ambridge. That show Brian."