Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Anti-social behaviour...

... and why on-the-spot ear flicking might be a solution are what I've written about today for the Daily Mirror and you can read it here.

I really mean it about the feet.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Downton Abbey...

... and why it's best not to think about it too closely is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Excuse me, I'm off to point my undercarriage at people I don't like.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Mel B's latest adventure...

... and what a bloody shame it is are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

But if you know what's good for you, don't bother listening to it. UGH.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Nick Clegg's conference speech...

... which sadly never got spoken. Shame really, cos it's a lot more interesting than the real thing and you can read it here.

It won't take 50 minutes but it might make you want to punch Nick Clegg. That's the risk you take.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Shane Warne, Liz Hurley...

... and why we ought to enjoy splitting up than we do is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Enjoy the pants!

Monday, 16 September 2013

The Parable of the Paper Bag People.

ONCE upon a time, in a country far away, a man invented a thing called a paper bag.

He did not know what he could use it for, so he tried lots of different things. It wasn't very good at holding water, and was pretty rubbish at transporting rocks. It didn't keep meat fresh, and while it did make pleasing scrunchy noises, or could be blown up and hit with a hand to go BANG, it wasn't the same afterwards.

The man scratched his head for a bit, and then realised the paper bag was head-sized. He thought that putting it on a head would keep it dry and scrunch-free while he had the time to think what the bag could be used for.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Kerry Katona and her latest baby...

... is something a lot of people are going to sneer about, so read this first.

With which, I am off to enjoy some Iceland miniature party snacks.

Monday, 9 September 2013

An official apology...

... with regards to David Cameron is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

Or leave it unlocked in the middle of a packed train. The choice is yours.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Britain is a small island...

... that is heaps better than Russia, which is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Pip, pip, Vladimir!

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Watching porn in parliament...

... and why we should let them get on with it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm now off to exercise some diplomatic muscle. Fnar.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Britannia rules the ...oh.

ALLOW me to draw you a picture.

It is a picture of a ship. It is a big ship, designed to strike fear into the hearts of enemies and provide succour for those in need.

It is a ship that was first thought of about 12 years ago, when it was decided our existing ships were knocking on a bit and would need replacing.