By Special Correspondent of the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Writing in Extreme Danger From Secret Location, Behind Enemy Lines
THE Glorious Head of Sixteen States, Three Dependencies and 54 Former Colonies was spectacularly applauded among scenes of national devotion yesterday.
Despite suggestions the nation is heading towards bankruptcy with 70,000 children homeless as the economy continues to stumble, the BELOVED LEADER was greeted by spontaneous cheers from her devoted people celebrating 60 years of benevolent dictatorship.
As the applause rang out in the capital city during a carefully-orchestrated party designed to take everyone's mind off other things, an international credit ratings agency downgraded the health of the national banking system and predicted its current financial strategy would fail.
It did not deter the 100,000 citizens who had spent the day sitting outside the Royal Palace and who included orphans, workers and disabled soldiers, some of whom were fortunate enough to be personally acknowledged by descendants of the BELOVED LEADER.
There were reports that on Sunday many of the struggling nation's unemployed and hungry were herded onto buses and forced to the capital where under threat of financial penalty they took part in a river-based pageant for the BELOVED LEADER. Sources said the poor people were ordered to sleep under a bridge, strip naked and don unfashionable ponchos to stand in the cold, wind and rain for up to twelve hours in return for food tokens.
One man, aged almost 91 according to friends, was hospitalised with bladder problems after standing to attention in the sheeting rain for four hours as a personal bodyguard to the BELOVED LEADER who demanded he acknowledge the love with which she is regarded by saying: "Look at all these people Philip! Look at them!"
However supporters of the regime pointed out the Glorious Head of State had shown similar devotion to duty but had not succumbed to illness by dint of being "unconquerable" and "ruling all the waves". During the pageant she was even seen to split a bridge in two.
By yesterday evening the watching thousands - dressed, apparently of their own volition in uniform colours representing the flag of their failed capitalist nation state - had become near-hysterical as they reached the climax of a weekend of celebrations.
On a specially-prepared stage outside the Royal Palace a number of preferred musicians paid homage to the BELOVED LEADER while wearing military-style clothing and performing unintentionally hilarious salutes.
Among them were a poor boy from Stoke who had overcome a raging Red Bull addiction, specially-invited Americans and opera singers who sang about ice creams which the BELOVED LEADER is known to enjoy.
At one point in the show a 64-year-old lady from Jamaica which was once part of the nation's now-crumbled empire was ordered to sing while hula-hooping, to the delight of the watching crowds.
An 82-year-old man regaled the crowds with a moving story about two little boys of his acquaintance, until being rudely interrupted with instructions not to let the TV schedules over-run.
Later, a middle-aged Australian apparently dressed in mockery of Nazi death doctor Josef Goebbels sang while a troupe of young black men danced around her.
The concert included a series of songs about knife crime, domestic violence, and how music used to come on plastic records in the good old days. It closed with a perhaps ill-advised musical celebration of bitterness, encroaching age, and letting people die.
Watching alongside the BELOVED LEADER were her Prime Minister, whose Government has been described as "an omni-shambles" yet retains control of her vast nuclear arsenal, as well as figures from the token and ineffective Opposition, members of the leader's extended family and favoured minions.
The events were screened with fawning gratitude by the state-run broadcaster, while the remaining sectors of the media - much of it currently under threat of stringent regulation which many feel will move the country even further down the World Press Freedom Index where it currently languishes at number 28 - also made slavish obeisance to the spectacle, one of the few involving the BELOVED LEADER in which she might be seen to smile.
Afterwards the BELOVED LEADER was given an enormous mystic crystal which she used to magically create flame in a symbolic representation of her God-given unquestionable power.
So strong is the BELOVED LEADER'S personality cult that she is the SUPREME HEAD of her own church which considers her appointed by God, and the national anthem even refers to the Almighty personally intervening to save her from all foreigners with "their knavish tricks", and calls on her subjects to regard her as they would a mother.
She is also considered to be BELOVED LEADER for all eternity, and while her son and grandson are widely expected to succeed her once they do so they will be relying upon the cult which has sustained her rule for the past six decades.
We in North Korea doff our furry hats to Her Majesty QUEEN ELIZABETH THE SECOND of GREAT BRITAIN, who despite leading an enemy nation of capitalist running dogs can do pomp even better than a despot in gold braid with his own shark tank.
Also, we would like to buy Grace Jones.