Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Do not adjust your mindset.

This is the British Broadcasting Service. This country has been attacked with policies of mass destruction. Communications have been severely disrupted by a year-long inquiry into the Press and the number of casualties and the extent of the damage are not yet known. Normally the NHS deals with casualties, but it's been outsourced to a TV show with terrible acting and all the usual whistleblowers are in hiding in case they get nicked. We shall bring you further information as soon as we get our arses out of this sling. Meanwhile, stay tuned to this wavelength, stay calm and stay in your own homes.

Remember there is nothing to be gained by trying to get away. We built a big wall around Britain to stop people coming in and this also stops you leaving for anywhere more sensible, like Greece. By leaving your homes you could be exposing yourselves to greater danger. Max Moseley is out there somewhere, along with Simon Cowell and Eric Pickles. We have no idea what they may do if cornered, but it will probably involve moobs.

If you remain in your home, you may find yourself without food, without water, without accommodation and without protection. But if you're old, poor, single, divorced or gay then frankly it's your own fault. Duncan Smith fall-out, which follows a policy explosion, is many times more dangerous if you are directly exposed to it. Tinfoil hats and cheap vodka offer substantial protection. The safest place is indoors under the sofa, where the taxman can find you.

Make sure gas and other fuel supplies are turned off and that all fires are extinguished, because if you're rich enough to afford fuel you will attract rampaging mobs of feral peasants. If mains water is available, this can be used for fire-fighting because the Fire Brigade has been sacked. But for the love of God don't drink it, because the Germans sold it to the Chinese and heaven knows what they've done to it. You should also refill all your containers for drinking water after the fires have been put out, because the mains water supply may not be available for very long due to drought which has turned the eastern side of Britain into the Sahel. Supplies of water are low and those who cannot pay their water services bills have the bailiffs sent round, while Tuareg tribesmen maraud the south east. Rich people are asked not to water their roses as often as previously.

Water must not be used for flushing lavatories as we have run out: until you are told that lavatories may be used again, other toilet arrangements must be made. We suggest finding a journalist to wee on instead, or if there are none to hand you might like to find someone older, younger, poorer, gayer or more workshy than you. If you do need to find something to flush the toilet with, try less valuable commodities such as liquid plutonium, Cristal champagne or blue whale sperm to fill your cisterns instead. Use water only for essential drinking and cooking purposes, or for washing if you have been exposed to any Milibands. Water means life. Don't use it.

Make your food stocks last: ration your supply, because otherwise you will have to kill and eat the parents of a small child who likes playing with the toys generally considered more suited to the opposite gender. If you have fresh badly-behaved parents in the house, use these first to avoid wasting them: other people you might wish to eat will keep for later. People with dreadlocks have no 'use by' date and can be kept in trees or tents for some years, although they can be gristly; the morbidly obese are known to rot slowly as long as they are carefully watched by state-funded carers.

If you live in an area where a fall-out warning has been given - for example anywhere north of Westminster, south or west of Westminster, or east of Westminster - stay in your Lansley shelter until you are told it is safe to come out. When the immediate danger has passed the sirens will sound a relieved sigh. The "all clear" message will also be given on this wavelength. If you leave the fall-out room to go to the hospital, look for work or attempt vigilante justice, do not remain outside the room for a minute longer than is necessary as you will be either arrested, sued or eaten.

Do not, in any circumstances, attempt to work. Policy fall-out makes it too expensive for anyone to employ you. Those already in work are permitted to dick about on the internet. Those who are not may be able to do 'work experience' as part of 'reforms' and 'training' once the all-clear has been given but money will only be paid to those who are not old, gay, poor, or militant secularists, who are known to bomb people with science and reason.

You cannot see it or feel it, but early reports say Prescott is manifesting. If you go outside and are contaminated, you will bring danger to your family and die of incomprehensible verbal diarrhoea. Stay in your shelter until you are told the flatulence has passed or you hear the "all clear" on the sirens.

Here are the main points again:

We're screwed.

We shall repeat this broadcast in two hours' time, unless the whole place gets blown sky-high by someone on social media as some kind of twisted terrorist 'joke'. Jokes are banned.

In the absence of any ideas, have a cup of tea and pray in a solely-Christian fashion that someone else thinks of something.