Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.
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Thursday 15 December 2011

Can't we deport them?

THERE'S a problem family I know of.

White, of course. Neither of them gainfully employed doing anything much.

She has a dodgy past with rappers and aristocratic layabouts, while he left school and spent five years running errands for benefit cheats. He had what the neighbours might think of as "a real job" for all of seven years as some kind of Del Boy figure in public relations, swearing black was white and practising his 'not lying' face.

For the past decade he's been living off the taxpayer. Last I heard it was costing us £142,500 a year to maintain his lifestyle, and he also gets two free cars and has four houses. He sub-lets one of them and doesn't even have a mortgage on it.

His wife seems to earn a lot for not doing much two days a week, which seems questionable in itself. Somehow they've just spunked £64,000 on a second kitchen and got us to pay for half of it, even though they already had a kitchen and it was done up only a few years ago.

I've heard their marble dining table cost £6,312 and the chairs for it were £1,524 each - by my reckoning that's twelve and a half grand just to eat your tea. You could buy a house in Burnley for that money.

He comes and goes at all hours and they've got some very dodgy friends knocking on the door late at night. One of them looks like Jeremy Clarkson. Another reckons he's their accountant but looks more like a French aristocrat who's lost his periwig on the way to the guillotine. A few of us are trying to get the council to put an ASBO on his best mate, who looks like him but keeps chucking stones at passing schoolchildren. I think he's a bit simple, myself.

They don't seem to do much for the community. He talks about the Big Society a lot and everyone suffering in the recession, but I've noticed his hands don't get dirty, his heating's on day and night and his arse keeps getting wider. But then if I had a four grand Italian sofa I'd spent a lot of time sitting down as well.

They've got a handful of kids who'll grow up to be much the same as the parents, I expect. I'd say they were all quite dense but they seem to have figured out something I can't, which is how to make a lot out of naff all.

Still, the good news is that walking tumour of a Communities Secretary Eric Pickles has announced a crackdown on problem families who cost society more than they give us, so I'm looking forward to Dishface getting his own troubleshooting 'family worker' who will tell him to do some proper work, or be booted out of his Grade-I listed social housing.

Or we could just start with cutting his benefits, because apparently starvation is the best way to get the old work ethic firing.

David William Donald Cameron... you are an habitual layabout who accepts welfare benefits as an occupational hazard and presumably accepts free houses in the same casual manner...

(with thanks to Paul Whitrow for his Photoshop skills)