Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Welcome to the Middle Ages.

SO Kate and Wills' wedding is to be screened live on YouTube - how very 21st century.

Except it is the very definition of "pissing in the wind" when you consider that the Royal Family is so old-fashioned it is only just aware of the invention of the wheel, much less t'internet.

I'm fed up with people saying how modern and lovely the wedding is. It's not. It's about as modern as Midsomer Murders is multi-cultural.

The "we're all in it together, austerity doncherknow" wedding is costing the taxpayer, at the last count, £20m. The wealthy bride has been bred from birth to marry into the upper classes and never lift a finger, and us peasants are expected to gather outside in our smelly masses and be happy for them. I'm not unhappy for them, I just couldn't give much of a toss, and from what I can gather most people feel the same.

Meanwhile the bride, who like the rest of the country barely sets foot in a church except for social occasions, has suddenly had to experience something a Palace spokesman has called "a journey into faith" and be confirmed into the Church of England because hubby will eventually be head of it. Were she a Roman Catholic she'd be banned by law from marrying him at all.

Afterwards there will be some light charity work for her and some undangerous military service for him before they embark on a privileged lifetime of breeding while the nation looks on and checks its calendar.

It must be a boy, of course, even if they do change the laws on primogeniture, which they won't. They've been around for a thousand years despite several really quite good queens and a succession of terrible kings, and there's no way every Commonwealth country's going to sign off on a change to their constitutions within nine months. So a boy it will have to be.

And just to add to the fun the bride will be fully aware that while this was once the one family that would never divorce that horse has rather bolted now, so if in the years to come she's found to be wanting she'll be out on her bum quicker than you can say 'Queen Camilla'. Should that happen there is no way she will ever be allowed to work, bitch about her ex, or see her own children on Christmas Day.

Now if anyone can tell me in what way any of that is modern, I'll be thrilled. Because it sounds to me more like the 14th century than the 21st.

If this was a modern wedding, they'd say "sod it" and get married in Dorking register office. Kate could work, and pay taxes, and have a point to her life beyond procreation. Her religion wouldn't matter: she could be an atheist, or Catholic, and no-one would care. She could even be a Muslim or a Jew, although I imagine both the Daily Wail and Prince Philip would have something to say about that. She could have a child and whether it is a girl or boy it would be equally entitled to grow up and do nothing very much just like its parents.

She also wouldn't need to have the rather pointless coat of arms which has been drawn up for the Middleton family, depicting acorn sprigs and some pointy triangles representing - I'm not kidding - the family's enjoyment of skiing, for the love of Mike.

Well there's nothing I like more than subverting things that aren't intended for plebs like me, so I've made my own coat of arms.

The motto of "file by three, home for tea" is very handy when you've forgotten your deadline. The family name is of course Vulpes, the Latin term for foxy types, the chevron is for victory in battle, apparently, and the colours indicate the family traits of ambition and guile. I couldn't find anything which shows an ability to drink the bar dry, snaffle the receipt and still write beautiful copy the next day, but not for want of trying.

Seeing as I come from a long line of hardworking labourers, I suppose I'm not very modern either. But at least I don't try to pretend otherwise.