Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn...

... and why neither of them would be any use to help Labour win power again is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

If only someone would do that to IDS.

The MPs' pay rise...

... and what they might deserve it for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Make sure you read it at a safe distance from other people, in case you punch anyone.

Oskar Groening...

... and why locking him up might not be the brightest thing we've ever done as a species is the topic of today's column which you can read here.

Lesen macht frei, whatever anyone else says.

Foxhunting and why David Cameron...

...  might want to bring it back is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can chase down with a pack of hounds and tear apart with your teeth right here.

Tally ho!

Getting Married At First Sight...

... and why it might be a better way of doing things is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which is not bitter, right, if you read it to the end and which is available here.

Honestly. Look the word up.

The 2015 budget and why George Osborne...

... can't do the sums on domestic abuse is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I have a horrible feeling I'm going to keep writing this one.

The Greek debt crisis...

... is explained simply so even David Cameron could understand it in today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Do the maths.

The heatwave...

... and how to cool down like a Tory is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

It's like sitting in a freezer, I tells you.

The Independent Living Fund...

... and how it's so unimportant to the rest of us we might as well leave it for those to whom it means everything is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Iain Duncan Smith, BTW, is not in a wheelchair.

ISIS and how to beat them...

... using the deadliest weapon at our disposal - because frankly all the others have been sold, scrapped or mothballed - is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You might want to hit something afterwards.

David Cameron, the job of Prime Minister...

... and why he doesn't seem to know what it means is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Only another five years to go.

The migrant crisis...

... and how to solve it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll need a stiff drink afterwards. I know I do.

Jeremy Hunt, foreign nurses...

... and why he is just like a mollusc in a suit only more dangerous is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read by clicking here.

Careful it doesn't turn your stomach.

The renovations of the Houses of Parliament...

... and why we need to do it with dynamite is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

KABOOM.

The new 50 Shades of Grey novel...

... and why this time it's really going to hurt is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You know you like it.

Magna Carta and why David Cameron...

... almost certainly hasn't bothered to read it is the topic of today's column which you can read here.

Does anyone have a ploughshare? I feel like a good brandish.

Sir Tim Hunt saying women always cry...

... and fall in love with him is the topic of today's slightly sarcastic column in the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm sure you can find something to argue with.

The asteroid apocalypse, Nigel Farage...

... and why we ought to take the threat of both seriously is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Tin foil hats on, folks, the end is nigh.

Britain's Got Talent, Matisse...

... and why our main talent seems to be stupidity is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I mean. A DOG on a TIGHTROPE.

Sepp Blatter, violence and porn videos...

... and why they have no place in what's laughably known as the Beautiful Game is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, Pele did do that. In 1963. Not so perfect now, eh?