Government statistics...

... and why they mean we still need words like "bollocks" is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

What happens if you write online about Nigel Farage and UKIP?

Well, they might send the police round a coincidentally amazing 90 minutes later.

Today's Daily Mirror column is about how UKIP called the cops on a humble tweeter and you can read it here.

Rest easy in your beds, folks.

Women on the front line...

... is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Afterwards you'll need some fresh air and a big drink. Mine's a gin.

Boko Haram and missing schoolgirls...

... at home and abroad are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Keep 'em peeled.

Bear Grylls' parenting tips...

... and why parents who are terrified their little angels might scratch their knee are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Mind your head, now.

What would happen if Nigel Farage and UKIP actually won...

... and what we can expect is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Swivel-eyed loons beware: It contains logic.

Food banks in David Cameron's back yard...

... and what we can all do about it is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Fill yer boots, plebs.

David Moyes being sacked by Manchester United...

... and a list of 20 other jobs it would be useful for him to make a hash of are the topic of today's Dail Mirror column which you can read here.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just off to the Moulin Rouge.

David Cameron's jellyfish...

... tells all in an exclusive interview (honest) which you can read here.

Think twice before you go in the water, folks.

An idiot's guide to sexism...

... and how idiots can avoid being guilty of it, especially if they work for the British Army, is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Stand hat. EASE!

Kate and William's trip Down Under...

... and why if they were on Facebook you'd have blocked them by now are the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

I'm off to find some ointment.

Maria Miller's resignation...

... is simply not enough if we want to clean up politics, and the reasons why are outlined in today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Then GO and VOTE.

Maria Miller...

...  has no honour, no vocation, and no skill. Read today's Daily Mirror column on the "improper" Culture Secretary here.

David Cameron's world view...

... and what he thinks when he looks at you is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll never sleep right again. Sorry.

Purple Day...

... and a big secret I've been keeping from you is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

I am now off to dress like Prince.

The anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide...

... and how Seattle Police are doing it all wrong is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Nevermind, eh?

Missing MH-370 conspiracy theories...

... and why the authorities can't find their arse with both hands and a map is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Let's hope for the best.

Bob Crow's sudden death...

... and why he did such a good job of irritating everyone is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Mind the gap.

A video of Justin Bieber's willy...

... and why it's not as private as I'm sure he'd like it to be is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Mind how you go.

The 8 rules of internet life...

... and how not to get caught out are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror and you can read it here.

Watch those norks, now.