Fox (n): carnivore of genus vulpes; crafty person; scavenger; (vb) to confuse; -ed (adj): to be drunk.

Monday, 27 February 2017

The Oscars, that envelope...

... and why it could all be a lot more irritating is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'll leave that wardrobe malfunction with you.

Friday, 24 February 2017

Introducing the Tories' secret weapon...

WHEN Len McCluskey goes to bed tonight he should  look in the mirror.

There he will see a 66-year-old former clerk, a lifelong trade unionist, and someone who seems to be doing his damnedest to give the Conservative Party another decade in power.
 
For it is McCluskey – the firebrand, the Scouser, the man who spits fury at the very word 'Tory' – who is doing a better job to shore up Theresa May's raddled and confused government than any big bucks donor.
 
Top work, that man
It was McCluskey who stripped the Labour vote in Stoke to the point where a proven fantasist was a serious contender.
 
And it is McCluskey who is on course to steer the Labour Party to a crushing defeat in 2020 it may never recover from.
 
His efforts began in 2013, when his close friend Karie Murphy was at the centre of a ham-fisted attempt to win the Falkirk by-election leading to unproven accusations Unite officials were gerrymandering the local constituency party.
 
McCluskey derided the allegations as a "behind-the-scenes smear campaign", despite the whole thing looking as suspect as Paul Nuttall's end-of-term school report.


We'll never know whether Paul really was once a sought-after mankini model

As a result of the furore Ed Miliband made a hurried change, appluaded by McCluskey, to the party's election rules.
 
And that change meant that not only did Labour later elect Jeremy Corbyn, it could not get rid of him even when he led the party into the kind of doldrums last seen when Napoleon thought it a jolly wheeze to over-winter on the Russian Front.
 
Since 2015 Corbyn has lost Labour votes in local and Parliamentary elections in every part of Britain except London. Wait, I lie – he's added 0.1% of the vote in Humberside.

Yay

He has lost the confidence of 172 MPs. He has seen so many of his top team resign that if you ask a political reporter how many reshuffles he's had they can't agree if the first one ever ended.

This month 17 members of his shadow cabinet voted against him in an act of defiance a wet dishrag wouldn't stand for. And 17, coincidentally, is the same percentage he now boasts in the public approval ratings.
 
Theresa May is on 45%, a position which she would not enjoy if her opposite number could only point out her dazzling inability make decisions.

"Yeah, but I like that in a woman"

It was McCluskey who, during last year's abortive Labour coup, told Corbyn to stay on.
 
It's McCluskey who is throwing his union members' money into a dysfunctional party with as much hope of giving workers a legislative voice as Gareth Malone does of wrangling a baritone out of Joe Pasquale.
 
And yet it's McCluskey who, today, blamed all this on a disunited Labour Party which he could not have done more to divide if he'd set about it with a machete.
 
That's why Len McCluskey should be ashamed at the true blue Tory who stares back from his bedroom mirror.
 
And so should the union members who have a chance, in March, to vote this dinosaur back into the stone age and pick someone else as Unite general secretary.

He's called Gerard Coyne and he can't possibly be any worse
 

Jeremy Corbyn, Claudio Ranieri...

... and why people who still believe in both of them are not perhaps the sharpest tools in the box are the topics of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

And I will not apologise for the Edwina Currie joke.

Wednesday, 22 February 2017

The 7 most important lessons to teach your child...

... and how they're all, pretty much, 'don't do what I did', is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can be outraged by if you click here.

And yes, it's true about the ears. I'm doing it right now.

Friday, 17 February 2017

Tony Blair's idea of Brexit...

... and how he's gone totally Donald Trump is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Let's Make Blair Great Again! Or not.

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Paul Nuttall's Hillsborough history...

... and the 7 ways he could use his powers to mislead for good are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm very sad about the Bungle thing. If ever something should be true...

Monday, 13 February 2017

Broadchurch and rape on TV...

... are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read about here.

Your Valentine's Day may be lovely, but for some people it won't be.

Friday, 10 February 2017

The NHS in crisis...

... and why Jeremy Hunt is the last person who should be left in charge of it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Some days I write about silly things because they're funny. This is a different day.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Blind Date's return...

... and Donald Trump's inevitable appearance on it alongside Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I know. I'm ill.

Monday, 6 February 2017

David Beckham, his knighthood...

... and why he'll never get it now is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I don't even want to be made a dame for pointing any of it out.

Friday, 3 February 2017

Jeremy Corbyn's latest shadow cabinet reshuffle...

... and who, outside of the usual incompetents, should get the top jobs are the topic of today's worryingly light-hearted column for the Daily Mirror, which you can find here.

In these dark times, it's better to laugh than sob hysterically into your pillow.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Health tourists...

... and why it's not as bad as you're being told, and certainly not as bad as how you're being made to think, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

The racists won't like it at ALL.