The Foxy Honours List...

... culminating in who wins Twat of the Year is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, if you can spare the time in your busy festive schedule, here.

Perhaps the most worrying part of the whole thing is that it was all TOTALLY AVOIDABLE.

What's the point of going to space?

... asks Simon Jenkins of the Guardian. Who won't bother to read about all the things space travel has given humanity, and which you can learn about in today's Daily Mirror column here.

Waste of money, indeed. Pchaw.

Tim Peake going to space...

... and why it needs to be more British is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, in zero gravity or otherwise, here.

And yes, I am serious that the lack of a kettle on the ISS is a serious flaw that needs fixing.

The new Star Wars movie The Force Awakens...

... and why it's all been done better already by Star Trek is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read, at warp speed or in hyperdrive, here.

And yes, I'm quite serious.

Christmas office parties...

... and how to fox them up properly is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I missed out the bit where you walk into work next day like a gladiator, but take it as read.

The office Christmas party...

.. and how to boss it like a professional is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, I've tried the alternatives and they were a bad idea.

Donald Trump, banning him from the UK...

... and why that would be a terrible idea and we really ought to be glad we can listen to him is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Ear defenders are, of course, optional.

Storm Desmond, flooding...

... and why we don't seem able to deal with it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Glug.

Pregnant foxes...

... and why it's not all nice hair and shopping is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

But yes, I'm very happy really x

Pregnancy...

... and why you've been lied to your WHOLE LIFE is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And then it's probably a good idea to store canned food and get to a safe distance. Heaven knows what it's capable of.

The vote on war in Syria...

... and the 9 things that aren't being talked about are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Tin hats on, everyone.

Jeremy Corbyn...

... and why the Labour Party needs to ditch him and get back to sanity is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Don't shoot the messenger.

The Hollywood actor with HIV...

... and why you might want to think twice before feeling any sympathy for him is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm A Celebrity 2015...

... and why it needs a revamp, involving half of Twitter, every passenger on the outrage bus and anyone who pings back into shape after a baby, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

It's true about the male biological clock, by the way.

What a feminist is...

... and why you don't really have an alternative but to be one is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Tax credits, the House of Lords...

... and why George Osborne is a very silly man is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, I'm afraid the bit about Timmy Mallett is true.

The tampon tax...

... and whether or not bleeding is really a luxury is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Whether or not you need a painkiller to do so really depends on whether you work in Downing Street.

Syria, World War Three...

... and why it's all God's fault is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll burn in hell for eternity, but it'll be worth it.

Jamaica, slavery...

... and why slavery is more common and profitable than ever before is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Enjoy your smartphones.

David Cameron, the pig...

... and why it's the least of this problems, although by far the funniest, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Just don't accuse me of spam.

John McDonnell, the IRA...

... and why his apology for a wrong thing was even more wrong is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Oh and FYI, he wants to be in charge of funding for counter-terrorism.

Jeremy Corbyn's first PMQs...

... and why David Cameron must have absolutely loved it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Man's as blue as a baboon.

Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour leadership...

... and why he's the worst person in the world to lead the Labour Party because he's neither Labour nor a leader is the topic of today's column you may be greatly irked by if you click on this link.

Luckily, irking people is in my job description. Have a lovely weekend y'all.

ISIS, the refugee crisis...

... and the war that always follows them is the topic of today's less-than-happy column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Don't know why I wrote it really, except for blind optimism that forewarned is forearmed and humans can think if you give them a chance.

The badger cull...

... and why you're not allowed to question the sanity of it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You have to burn your hard drive after you've read it, by the way. Just in case.

Jeremy Corbyn, women-only carriages...

... and why a Taliban-compliant train would be a very silly idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

All aboard!

Iain Duncan Smith, his disability reforms...

... and why we've seen something very similar before is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

There's a new comments section so you can express your outrage and everything.

GCSEs, the migrant crisis...

... and why Britain's lost its decency is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I recommend a stiff gin for afterwards.

The Ashley Madison hack...

... and who you really ought to feel sorry for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Enjoy the rest of your time online.

The Labour leadership battle...

... and how you're supposed to pick which one to vote for is the topic of today's column for the Daily  Mirror which you can despair over here.

I'm actually pretty glad I don't have to take part.

Extending the smoking ban to public places...

... and why it needs to be extended into people's homes and cars instead is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can get upset by and now comment on - whoo hoo! - here.

And yes, I'm serious.

Julian Assange...

... and just how long we have to wait for him to act like a decent human being is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

If you don't like it, I understand tinfoil is very comforting.

Running a marathon during your period...

... and why telling the world about it doesn't do much to stop oppressing anyone is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Men, may I suggest you think calming thoughts about carburettors.

Donald Trump, the White House...

... and why it's probably not a good idea for the two of them to ever meet is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Please send all redneck abuse c/o your mum.

Noel Edmonds being utterly bonkers...

... and how I didn't even have to make up any of these jokes is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which, you've guessed it, you can read here.

Or you can order it from the cosmos and see if it's delivered by microwave.

Planet Kepler-452b...

... and why it might be better than Earth is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

PS it's true about Jeremy Hunt.

Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn...

... and why neither of them would be any use to help Labour win power again is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

If only someone would do that to IDS.

The MPs' pay rise...

... and what they might deserve it for is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Make sure you read it at a safe distance from other people, in case you punch anyone.

Oskar Groening...

... and why locking him up might not be the brightest thing we've ever done as a species is the topic of today's column which you can read here.

Lesen macht frei, whatever anyone else says.

Foxhunting and why David Cameron...

...  might want to bring it back is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can chase down with a pack of hounds and tear apart with your teeth right here.

Tally ho!

Getting Married At First Sight...

... and why it might be a better way of doing things is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which is not bitter, right, if you read it to the end and which is available here.

Honestly. Look the word up.

The 2015 budget and why George Osborne...

... can't do the sums on domestic abuse is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I have a horrible feeling I'm going to keep writing this one.

The Greek debt crisis...

... is explained simply so even David Cameron could understand it in today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Do the maths.

The heatwave...

... and how to cool down like a Tory is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

It's like sitting in a freezer, I tells you.

The Independent Living Fund...

... and how it's so unimportant to the rest of us we might as well leave it for those to whom it means everything is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Iain Duncan Smith, BTW, is not in a wheelchair.

ISIS and how to beat them...

... using the deadliest weapon at our disposal - because frankly all the others have been sold, scrapped or mothballed - is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You might want to hit something afterwards.

David Cameron, the job of Prime Minister...

... and why he doesn't seem to know what it means is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Only another five years to go.

The migrant crisis...

... and how to solve it is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You'll need a stiff drink afterwards. I know I do.

Jeremy Hunt, foreign nurses...

... and why he is just like a mollusc in a suit only more dangerous is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read by clicking here.

Careful it doesn't turn your stomach.

The renovations of the Houses of Parliament...

... and why we need to do it with dynamite is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

KABOOM.

The new 50 Shades of Grey novel...

... and why this time it's really going to hurt is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

You know you like it.

Magna Carta and why David Cameron...

... almost certainly hasn't bothered to read it is the topic of today's column which you can read here.

Does anyone have a ploughshare? I feel like a good brandish.

Sir Tim Hunt saying women always cry...

... and fall in love with him is the topic of today's slightly sarcastic column in the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm sure you can find something to argue with.

The asteroid apocalypse, Nigel Farage...

... and why we ought to take the threat of both seriously is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Tin foil hats on, folks, the end is nigh.

Britain's Got Talent, Matisse...

... and why our main talent seems to be stupidity is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I mean. A DOG on a TIGHTROPE.

Sepp Blatter, violence and porn videos...

... and why they have no place in what's laughably known as the Beautiful Game is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, Pele did do that. In 1963. Not so perfect now, eh?

The benefits cap...

... and why seven children might just be too many is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I haven't joined the Tories. They still won't have me.

The Queen's Speech...

... and all the stuff she *didn't* tell us is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Don't mind me, I'm just off to the tower.

The most interesting man you don't know.

The name of Neville Thurlbeck is one that strikes fear into the heart of most journalists.

To know Neville was on the same job, booked into the same hotel or trying for the same interview was like receiving a death sentence: he never failed, so you were going to.

But it's a name with little resonance for anyone else. It's just a byline, someone who sounds underwhelming. Perhaps that's why on the front cover of his new book Neville's name is in smaller print than the title, the graphics, and the name of his former employer - the News of the World.

 
On Fleet Street Neville is renowned for a dress sense that involves tweed and leather elbow patches, for a catalogue of jaw-dropping exclusives from Rebecca Loos to Max Mosley and Jeffrey Archer... and for being the journalist who detonated an atomic bomb under the phone hacking scandal.

It was Neville who tasked the paper's private detective Glenn Mulcaire with investigating Milly Dowler when the schoolgirl went missing in 2002.

That led to the voicemail interception which, when discovered and reported by The Guardian almost a decade later, turned a media scandal into an international corporate disaster and led in a few days to the closure of the most successful newspaper in the English-speaking world.

In his book Neville issues an unreserved apology to all affected by his decision. But if you want any more detail about that, his six month jail sentence or the five weeks he served in a cell alongside Andy Coulson, his former editor and long-time friend, you won't find it.

This is a memoir of a 30-year career, and as such its 321 pages are an edited, pared-down description of how Neville broke some of the biggest stories in living memory.

For anyone wondering how journalists get their stories when they're not phone hacking, it's a revelation. The lengths you have to go to get a hidden camera in the right place in an orgy, the problem with refusing to pay the friendly hooker what she was expecting, and how to find documentary evidence of who owns the phone that's sending Rebecca Loos dirty text messages.

There's a lot on Neville's humble north east beginnings, his work ethic, his first job as a teacher in Africa, before he gets to the Harrow Observer and works his way on to Fleet Street. There's a few tantalising snippets about unnamed politicians and the stories that got away, and how he began working as an informant for the police and security services. And there's a great deal of affection for a career which Neville obviously loved.

It's the book of how Neville would like to be remembered - as he says at the beginning, if no-one else likes it at least it will be something for his children to read.

But every newspaper story has material that didn't make the cut. Lawyers and editors take chunks out, The Reader is judged uninterested in other parts, and the pressure of space means you've got room only to tell the best bits.

In that, Neville's book is just like every story the News of the World ever published, back in the days when everyone bought it, few people liked to admit it, and the great and good prayed every Saturday night that they weren't in it.

After you've read it, you can't help wondering what else Neville's got up his sleeve.

* Neville's book, Tabloid Secrets, is published by Biteback for £11.99 and available in all good bookshops. It's also an ebook. Follow Nev on Twitter here: @nthurlbeck

Chuka going, UKIP imploding, and Ed partying in Ibiza...

... all add up to Britain being totally bonkers. The possible reasons for this are the subject of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

*puts underpants on head*

How Labour lost the General Election...

... and how their voters gave us a Tory government is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And stop whinging.

Why bother to vote?

It's not like it changes anything, as you can see from today's special General Election day column in the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Stay at home, why don't you?

After the election...

... and what we can expect are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I'm off to put a tenner on the Shapps-1000 right now.

Which Prime Minister to vote for...

... and how we're supposed to make up our minds for the General Election 2015 is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Don't hate me. There's no other choice!

Russell Brand and Ed Miliband...

... and why it's not all as moronic as you might think is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you may read, should you wish, here.

Please send your personal abuse c/o your mum.

David Cameron is going to lose...

... the general election, and the reason why is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Beware secret trap doors and Ian Brady.

Jamelia and fashion for fat people...

... are the topics of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And of COURSE it should be banned. But it won't be.

General Election: What's the point in voting?

The answer to this question is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror, which you can read here.

Remember to vote early, and vote often.

The politics pantomime...

... and why Wee Jimmy Krankie makes a really weird genie is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Oh no I won't! Oh yes I will! Etc.

Prince Charles' private letters...

... and what exactly they might say is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Worryingly, it's probably not far from the truth.

Jeremy Clarkson sacked...

... and the people who could replace him are the topic of today's column for today's Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And let's hope that's the last I have to write about it for a while, OK?

Boris Johnson as Prime Minister...

... and why David Cameron might want you to think about what that would be like is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And I'm serious about the Turkish delight.

The 9 things we learned from the 2015 solar eclipse...

... and why it wasn't as rubbish as you might think is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Only another 75 years til the next one.

George Osborne's budget...

.. and all the things he didn't tell us are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

It might make you angry. I hope so, anyway.

Prince Harry leaving the Army...

... and what his new job might be is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Obviously, am hoping for the Kanye West one, but I'll be happy with any of them.

Comic Relief, Terry Pratchett, celebrity charity work...

... and why that's all great but an unfamous woman called Andrea Annear was even greater is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

You will probably need a tissue by the end. Have a nice weekend, humans - and give each other a hug.

Jeremy Clarkson...

... and why sacking him from Top Gear might be deserved but would make everything worse for the rest of us is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

NOW GIMME THE FOOD.

The murder of dogs at Crufts...

... and why torturing animals makes you less than human is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Euthanise the lot of 'em, I say.

Football and the rule of law...

... and what happens when it doesn't apply on the pitch is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Of course, I'm a girl. What do I know?

An open letter to Jihadi John...

... which he won't want to read but you might is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Ker-pow, Emwazi.

UKIP, Nigel's immigration policies...

... and why he might actually increase immigration if he is elected is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Please send all frothing xenophobic "you must be a lesbian" rants care of your mum.

Penis size...

... and why, unfortunately, we're not running out of dicks just yet is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

It's withering.

50 Shades of Grey, Valentine's Day...

... and why it means romance is finally dead is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

I hope there's hope!

The fashion BAFTAs...

... and what happens when men turn up to the red carpet all wearing the exact same thing is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

*smiles confidently*

Myleene Klass, middle class parents...

... and why we ought to stop them breeding is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And if you'd like to complain to someone about it, I wish you the best of luck!

Sex education for five year olds...

... and why it might be the best thing adults could ever do for them is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And if you don't like it, you're the one who needs it most.

The lies of David Cameron...

... and why we don't *have* to let them get away with it, just because Ed is rubbish, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And in case you can't be bothered to read to the end: REMEMBER TO VOTE.

Kim Sears swearing...

... and why we should all be ****ing grateful for it is the topic of today's column for the ****ing Daily Mirror and you can read it here.

****ing have that, you **** ****s, and have a nice weekend.

Alexander Litvinenko...

... and Britain's disgraceful record of radiation poisoning of its nuclear test veterans is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And yes, it's true.

Jeremy Clarkson, the BBC...

... and which of them is in the wrong when an idiot is accused of racism is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

And no, I don't want him sacked. Read it first, yeah?

Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, King Abdullah...

... and why it might be time to remind the Royal Family we're the boss is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Long live the, er, anything that's better than this.

The husband who tracks his wife via a phone app...

... and why that's probably not a good idea is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

The number for Relate, should anyone need it, is 0300 100 1234.

The mum who invoiced a boy for missing a birthday party...

... and why this 'twit tax' is almost - but not quite - a brilliant idea is the topic of today's Daily Mirror column which you can read here.

Mind how you go, now.

Islamic terrorism...

... and why it's not that Islamic, any more than Hitler was socialist, is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

If only Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will read it...

A men-only political party...

... fighting against the terrible oppression of the male gender is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

If any dinosaurs would like to bellow their objections from the tar pits while meteors rain around them, feel free to comment.

Ken Morley, Charlie Hebdo...

... and why the terrorists can sit back and put their feet up because we're very happy to do their job for them is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Sleep well. *dark laugh*

The NHS crisis...

... and who's to blame is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Happy sodding New Year, and let's hope you don't get ill.

The New Year's Eve reveller who punched a woman...

... and why there's always someone to defend the indefensible is the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Let's hope one day all little boys will grow up the way they're meant to.

New Year resolutions...

... and how to make ones you can actually keep are the topic of today's column for the Daily Mirror which you can read here.

Happy 2015, everyone x